#LoveMe Day Twenty Eight. What Have I Learned During This Challenge

Finally I am writing the last post for this twenty eight day challenge. A challenge that should have taken me exactly twenty eight days, but instead took me nearly two months.

Why? Because I didn’t enjoy it. It made writing, something I absolutely love doing, become a chore. I do not like chores and I have a tendency to procrastinate when it comes to them, so naturally I dragged finishing this challenge out.

It started out fine. The topics were fun, some a little open to interpretation, but all very on point with happiness, positivity and enjoying the life I’ve been given. So what changed?

Honestly, I don’t know. I know I missed getting to choose my own topics. I’m brimming with ideas on what to write about, but felt like I had to finish the challenge first, which is definitely not the right mindset to be in for completing a task.

We are getting to the busy time of the year which automatically stresses me out. I always feel like I’m running out of time around October and November. Christmas and New Year creep up so suddenly, one minute they seem like they are a lifetime away, the next they are just around the corner. It’s around this time of year I start stressing about money, about how many paydays are left and how much needs doing at that time.

It gets busier at work, which means extra hours and while this is something I can cope with, the lesser personal hours certainly takes its toll on me. There is still the same amount of things to be done, but less time to do them in. Subsequently I end up spending my big planned weekends doing nothing, just to make sure that I get enough rest.

I also haven’t been very well of late. Rundown, I’ve had a couple of colds (in November???) And I even managed to get myself a stomach bug last week. I am not good at being ill, never have been. I swear I get manflu.

It also doesn’t help that I’ve completely fallen off the healthy eating wagon. I eat something healthy every single day, but I’ve also been treating myself daily which is showing in my temperament, weight and overall physical wellbeing. I’m definitely not depressed or anxious, but the signs are there.

Thanks to Movember, I’ve managed to keep my exercise on track. I’m evercising for at least 30 minutes a day for the whole of November and raising funds for The Movember Foundation in the process. So far I have raised $145 which is awesome. Most of the people at my workplace are getting amongst it and as a team we have raised over eight grand, which is absolutely amazing.

So it’s not all bad, which is the part I  focusing on. I know that eating too many treats has a negative effect on all aspects of my health, mental, physical and my sleep patterns and I don’t know how I let it get to this point, but the fact is I have. It’s not too late to change it though. Admitting it on my blog is a good start. I haven’t been pretending that I’ve been 100% good for the last few months, more just not admitting it to myself, that way I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

Life is a rollercoaster. We have ups and downs, sometimes more ups and sometimes more downs. I’ve had more ups this year than any other year I’ve been alive, so I’m not berating myself for this couple of months of downs. We all fall off at some stage, from whatever we are trying to achieve, fitness, health, goals, the important thing is to get back on the horse, which is what I intend to do, starting tomorrow.

I’m actually really proud of myself for not over thinking this setback. I could analyze it from every angle for a few more months and sink deeper and deeper in doing so to the point where crawling back up is like starting over again, but somehow this time around I have managed not to do so. It just goes to show that while it is easy enough to fall back into old habits, the further you have come, the easier it is to fight them.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#Loveme Day Twenty Seven: What Have I Accepted About Me

I’m finally getting through this challenge. Something I have accepted about myself is that I sure can’t do everything! Doesn’t stop me from trying though…

I’ve discussed in previous posts the negative opinion I’ve had of myself for most of my life. As far as I was concerned I was useless, ugly, basically good for nothing. I didn’t try to do anything because I ‘just knew’ that I wouldn’t be able to do it.

From the outside, I probably looked like I thought I was better than everyone. I know I tried to cover up my insecurities by acting this way. I would smirk at things all the time, every emotion was negative. I didn’t like to see people succeed and I was very quick to point out any down sides to peoples achievements I could, to other jealous people of course. I was the walking definition of Tall Poppy Syndrome.

This year, I have accepted that I am not useless. I am still working on not constantly thinking of myself as ugly, but I know for a fact now that I can do things I set my mind to. What’s changed? My attitude and a little bit of effort.

Gone are the days of putting people down behind their backs due to jealousy, purely to make myself feel better. Now I celebrate their successes and support them, as they do me. I no longer wake up angry at myself, constantly telling myself ‘there’s no point, don’t even try’ because there is a point. I’m not scared of failure anymore because failure doesn’t have to be forever.

It might seem like a strange thing to accept, but it is a pretty big deal to me. It’s turned me into a different person. A happy person, a person who wants to live life to the full, finding as much enjoyment as possible in each day and sharing it with people along the way. I think that’s a pretty alright way to be.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty Six: What Makes Me Feel Beautiful

Probably the toughest topic yet this one. Beauty is such a personal thing, perception of it varies from person to person, there are no hard and fast rules.

Zombie tells me I’m beautiful every day and this is something I had to get used to. As a person who hated their appearance for the majority of their life, to suddenly be told this daily was difficult to say the least. I didn’t believe him, even though I knew that he wasn’t saying it for the sake of it. He wasn’t the first person to say it, but he is the one person who has said it to me the most, even on my frumpy days and after a while I learned to accept it as his opinion. He’s not wrong, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Being beautiful isn’t important to me. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin and I think that’s way more important than being perceived by others as beautiful. There have been plenty of times where I have spent hours trying to perfect my hair, make up and outfit until I’m reasonably confident that I looked good and secretly hoped for compliments only to have no one tell me I looked nice which crushed my spirits. My expectations were the issue there.

On other occasions I’ve felt confident in my appearance, no matter how little effort I’ve put in only to have ‘friends’ come up to me and literally start redoing my hair or makeup without my asking because it wasn’t up to their standards. Needless to say I don’t associate with people like that anymore.

For me, beauty is in nature and human kindness, but not appearance. Sure, there are plenty of absolutely beautiful people in the world, but some of them are just horrible on the inside, which is where being beautiful counts for me.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#Loveme Day Twenty Five: What Makes Me Laugh

Today’s topic is quite an easy one, because laughing is one of my favourite things to do and I do it a lot!

It doesn’t take much to make me laugh.  Dad jokes especially make me laugh.  I just find them hilarious!  The more lame, the better in my opinion.  Zombie is full of dad jokes and while I give him shit for it, I actually do appreciate them. I hate jokes about German sausages, they’re the wurst.

I have a tendency to see the humour in a lot of things and laugh at all of them, no matter how inappropriate.  I have a loud ever changing laugh that often makes people laugh when they hear and I’m okay with that. Sometimes I laugh about jokes or events from years ago just because they popped into my head.  If someone tells a funny story, I’m usually the first to laugh and also, the person who laughs the longest.  So much so that I might still be laughing about it ten minutes later when everyone else has finished laughing (although often this is just me with a silly grin on my face thinking about what happened as opposed to actual out loud laughter.

I laugh at myself.  I do and say silly things sometimes and that’s funny! I’m quite happy to laugh about tripping over or muddling up my words, its a lot more fun that way and it also lightens the mood.

Sometimes, I can’t laugh.  As always, these times are when I’m having a low day or a particularly anxious moment.  It doesn’t matter if its something I’ve found funny in the past, or something that is guaranteed to get a laugh out of me, on these days, it is hard for me to laugh.  The feeling of helplessness seems to cancel out any humour I might have.  However if I’m lucky, it’s only a minor low point and a laugh will snap me out of it.  They say laughter is the best medicine and I am a firm believer of that, provided that my mental health is playing ball.

Our days should be filled with laughter.  Life is too short to be taking ourselves and our surroundings too seriously.  As Charlie Chaplin once said, ‘A day without laughter is a day wasted.’

Smiles and Sunshine

Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty Four: What Makes Me Happy

I’m back after a much needed hiatus from this challenge and ready to tackle the last few days, starting with What Makes Me Happy.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what makes me happy. Of course Zombie does, spending time with good friends and family, achieving things, but I’m the type of person who, I’m either happy or I’m not and when I’m not it’s usually depression related which as many of us know there is no quick fix for.

I wrote a post a while ago; Is Happiness A Choice and to this day my answer remains the same. Yes and no. I choose to be happy most of the time. I get helped along by witnessing human kindness and compassion for fellow people and animals alike and sharing in other peoples good news.

There are the days of course that I can’t be happy, either due to anxiety or depression. These days are not as frequent as they used to be but sometimes they still rear their heads. And I couldn’t tell you what makes me unhappy on those days either.

All in all, not a very good answer really, but I just take happiness as it comes. I try to be as happy as possible for the majority of the time and not question it. That’s just asking anxiety in and that’s something I’d like to avoid.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty Three: My Best Feature

Tough tough tough! From a person who has spent most of their life hating their body and looks, this question is incredibly difficult. I’ve been working on turning these negative feelings towards my appearance around, but it’s hard work! We’re constantly hounded by images on the internet, in the media and  everywhere showing us how we should look and I am so far off it’s not funny.

Should it really matter to me? Short answer, no. Is it that simple? Of course not. I’m working on reversing 30+ years of self disgust over my appearance and personality. I may have come a long way, but there’s still a log way to go. And I’m not the only person who feels this way. So many times I’ve heard people call themselves ugly, fat, gross, my hair is disgusting, I’ve got thunder thighs, all sorts of insults we put on ourselves and each other. It’s almost a societal norm.

I have however always liked my eyes. I have greyish hazel eyes, they change colour a little at times. They have cool flecks in them and they’re a nice shape. I’ve always been happy with them, so when I’m feeling particularly ugly or useless I try to focus on the fact that I do have one feature that I’ve always liked and have had nice compliments about too.

What’s your favourite feature?

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty Two: What Makes Me Unique

I got a little bit worked up about this topic. I never used to think that there was anything special about me and more recently I’ve related to so many people with things they’ve said they do, when I thought I was the only one!

There is however something I do, that I’ve not met or heard of anyone else doing. Years ago I heard a rumour that 0.001% of people in the world do this, but how you would measure it I have no idea!

When it happens in front of someone for the first time, there’s usually a bit of a double take on their part. ‘Did you just…?’ Is a pretty standard response. A lot of people think it’s put on as well, that I’m doing it on purpose. That is until  it happens over and over again. Then its usually met with laughter, the good kind.

I usually do it 2-3 times a day. Sometimes it hurts, usually it doesn’t, but it’s almost always at inopportune moments, when the room is silent, or I’m on the phone to a client. Even though I don’t know its coming, I have managed to hide it over the phone when it counts most times.

So what do I do that makes me unique?

When I hiccup, just a single hiccup, the kind that pops up every now and then, seemingly without reason… I say the word. It sounds like a hiccup, probably looks like one (people bounce a little when they hiccup don’t they?) It just has two syllables instead of one. The first being ‘hic,’ the second being ‘up,’ in quick succession.

Everyone who has come across me hiccup thinks it’s weird, but most people find it funny. I’m okay with that.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty One: Something I Am Proud Of

I could sit here and ramble on about things I’ve achieved, especially this year, but I feel a bit self involved doing that, which is silly because this challenge is supposed to help me feel more secure within myself. I’ve got a long way to go.

I think there is a social pressure put on people to be overly modest these days. We downplay our achievements for fear of judgment. And why not? There are plenty of people out there who want to see us fail. I even used to be one of those people. There was nothing I wanted to see more, than someone fail. It didn’t matter if I knew them or not, it made me feel like less of a failure, better about myself. It made me feel better that I had nothing to be proud of myself for. Or so I thought.

I had no self confidence at all. I viewed myself as worthless, which resulted in jealousy, spiteful thoughts and general unhappiness. I didn’t like feeling this way, but it was all I knew. Until I realized that it didn’t have to be.

I don’t know specifically what made me realize that I could get through disappointment in myself without jealousy of others. What I did notice though, was the happier I felt for other people, the more worth I recognized in myself. This made me happy.

My self esteem is still lower than it should be, but it’s in a much more positive space than it has been previously and I feel that that is definitely something to be proud of.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty: Something I Love To Wear

I recently completed a two part poetry workshop. Poetry is not something I’ve ever been into before, I never understood it, or how to write it. As with most things however, this was because I was over thinking it.

The workshop was put on by the organization that runs my depression support group. I’m always keen to advance my writing skills and also to branch out, so I eagerly signed up for the workshop and I have now written and edited several poems!

The reason that I’m sharing this, is because one of the exercises during the first session was to write about an item of clothing and how it relates to the person who owns it.

I chose to write a peom about my Spyro Onesie. It’s a very basic poem, one of the first I’ve ever written. I’m way more nervous about sharing it than I should be, but it’s because I know poetry is not my strong point. We all have to start somewhere though.

Onesie

Purple, yellow, orange
Soft, warm, inviting
Fabric hanging limply, weighed down
By appendages
Horns, wings, a tail.

Bright, happy, wondrous
Kind, friendly, thoughtful
Shoulders often drooping, weighed down
By lifes stresses
Money, work, depression.

Tail trailing behind,
Waggling side to side
Free as a bird, moving
On its own
Stuck to the backside

Mind wandering freely
Thoughts both good and bad
Wandering far and wide, far
And wide
Trapped by its own confines.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Nineteen: Something I Feel Strongly About

I gave myself a couple of days break from the blog. I’ve had an incredibly busy couple of days and I didn’t want to put too much pressure on myself, I had enough going on without that already and I have learned that stressing about my blog posts doesn’t actually help anyone. It makes me rush and then I worry about the standard of my posts, it’s just not worth it, so I decided a couple of days break was a good idea. And I even managed to not stress about it, which is quite the achievement!

I had quite a big weekend, it was Zombies birthday, I had a work do and a gig with friends, and I now completely realize that I am getting way too old to be having big nights out two nights in a row. I had an absolute blast though, a few too many drinks but a weekend that was just fun, no drama, no anxiety, just happiness and laughter and of course a sore head.

For today’s topic I’ve decided to go with honesty as something that’s important to me. And my reason is simple. I have been lied to or about too many times to count and I have also lied myself far too many times.

We are human, therefore we lie. We all do it, maybe only a little, harmless white lies to protect someone are an example. It’s when the lies get big and start affecting people that its bad.

I used to lie a lot, to save my own ass and also to protect other peoples feelings. From ‘wasn’t me’ when I was a child to agreeing with people when I didn’t want to to avoid conflict, lying was a big part of my every day life. I wasn’t even bothered by it. For some reason I never felt bad.

I wasn’t one of those people who lies so often that they believe the stories they make up themselves, but eventually I did realize that I wasn’t doing anyone any favours by telling little lies all the time, least of all myself.

Part of the reason for this, was the sheer amount I was being lied to in return. I’ve had a couple of friends and ex’s in the past who I sometimes wonder if any part of our relationships were based on honesty at all. There were the times that I was blatently lied to and I would accept it because of who it was. That’s just what they were like. And of course I’d lie right back, then most likely go off and tell someone my own version of events, that were always slightly embellished as well. And of course there were the broken promises with all the made up excuses to justify them.

I also lied constantly about my mental health. I told a few people, but only people that I felt I could trust. Some of these people I couldn’t trust, but at the time I felt like I could. I pretended I was fine sometimes and other times I pretended I was worse. I played pretend a lot.

Accepting my flaws was a huge help in helping me realize the extent of my dishonesty. None of it was overly harmful, but when grouped together, it was a negative ball of energy that followed me around and made my life a lot more dramatic than it needed to be. With being honest I have formed some deeper bonds with some friends and severed others that were detrimental to my own wellbeing. The latter is certainly a difficult thing to do, but sometimes it is better for both parties involved to go their seperare ways and stop hurting each other.

Honestly is not always the best policy. The age old question a lot of women ask, ‘does my bum look big in this?’ It’s dangerous territory to say yes, but there actually are plenty of ways to get around this question without getting yourself into trouble for lying or being too honest, although personally I never ask this question because I don’t want the answer I know is true.

In short, while I don’t reveal every little detail about myself on this blog or to everyone I meet, if I discuss it on here, its the truth and I also will no longer say things to keep myself out of trouble, or to protect others if its in their best interest to know the truth. In doing so, I’ve received a lot more honesty from the people surrounding me too, which is all I can ask for.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie