#LoveMe Day Twenty Three: My Best Feature

Tough tough tough! From a person who has spent most of their life hating their body and looks, this question is incredibly difficult. I’ve been working on turning these negative feelings towards my appearance around, but it’s hard work! We’re constantly hounded by images on the internet, in the media and  everywhere showing us how we should look and I am so far off it’s not funny.

image

Should it really matter to me? Short answer, no. Is it that simple? Of course not. I’m working on reversing 30+ years of self disgust over my appearance and personality. I may have come a long way, but there’s still a log way to go. And I’m not the only person who feels this way. So many times I’ve heard people call themselves ugly, fat, gross, my hair is disgusting, I’ve got thunder thighs, all sorts of insults we put on ourselves and each other. It’s almost a societal norm.

I have however always liked my eyes. I have greyish hazel eyes, they change colour a little at times. They have cool flecks in them and they’re a nice shape. I’ve always been happy with them, so when I’m feeling particularly ugly or useless I try to focus on the fact that I do have one feature that I’ve always liked and have had nice compliments about too.

What’s your favourite feature?

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty Two: What Makes Me Unique

I got a little bit worked up about this topic. I never used to think that there was anything special about me and more recently I’ve related to so many people with things they’ve said they do, when I thought I was the only one!

image

There is however something I do, that I’ve not met or heard of anyone else doing. Years ago I heard a rumour that 0.001% of people in the world do this, but how you would measure it I have no idea!

When it happens in front of someone for the first time, there’s usually a bit of a double take on their part. ‘Did you just…?’ Is a pretty standard response. A lot of people think it’s put on as well, that I’m doing it on purpose. That is until  it happens over and over again. Then its usually met with laughter, the good kind.

I usually do it 2-3 times a day. Sometimes it hurts, usually it doesn’t, but it’s almost always at inopportune moments, when the room is silent, or I’m on the phone to a client. Even though I don’t know its coming, I have managed to hide it over the phone when it counts most times.

So what do I do that makes me unique?

When I hiccup, just a single hiccup, the kind that pops up every now and then, seemingly without reason… I say the word. It sounds like a hiccup, probably looks like one (people bounce a little when they hiccup don’t they?) It just has two syllables instead of one. The first being ‘hic,’ the second being ‘up,’ in quick succession.

Everyone who has come across me hiccup thinks it’s weird, but most people find it funny. I’m okay with that.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty One: Something I Am Proud Of

I could sit here and ramble on about things I’ve achieved, especially this year, but I feel a bit self involved doing that, which is silly because this challenge is supposed to help me feel more secure within myself. I’ve got a long way to go.

image

I think there is a social pressure put on people to be overly modest these days. We downplay our achievements for fear of judgment. And why not? There are plenty of people out there who want to see us fail. I even used to be one of those people. There was nothing I wanted to see more, than someone fail. It didn’t matter if I knew them or not, it made me feel like less of a failure, better about myself. It made me feel better that I had nothing to be proud of myself for. Or so I thought.

I had no self confidence at all. I viewed myself as worthless, which resulted in jealousy, spiteful thoughts and general unhappiness. I didn’t like feeling this way, but it was all I knew. Until I realized that it didn’t have to be.

I don’t know specifically what made me realize that I could get through disappointment in myself without jealousy of others. What I did notice though, was the happier I felt for other people, the more worth I recognized in myself. This made me happy.

My self esteem is still lower than it should be, but it’s in a much more positive space than it has been previously and I feel that that is definitely something to be proud of.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty: Something I Love To Wear

I recently completed a two part poetry workshop. Poetry is not something I’ve ever been into before, I never understood it, or how to write it. As with most things however, this was because I was over thinking it.

image

The workshop was put on by the organization that runs my depression support group. I’m always keen to advance my writing skills and also to branch out, so I eagerly signed up for the workshop and I have now written and edited several poems!

The reason that I’m sharing this, is because one of the exercises during the first session was to write about an item of clothing and how it relates to the person who owns it.

I chose to write a peom about my Spyro Onesie. It’s a very basic poem, one of the first I’ve ever written. I’m way more nervous about sharing it than I should be, but it’s because I know poetry is not my strong point. We all have to start somewhere though.

Onesie

image

Purple, yellow, orange
Soft, warm, inviting
Fabric hanging limply, weighed down
By appendages
Horns, wings, a tail.

Bright, happy, wondrous
Kind, friendly, thoughtful
Shoulders often drooping, weighed down
By lifes stresses
Money, work, depression.

Tail trailing behind,
Waggling side to side
Free as a bird, moving
On its own
Stuck to the backside

Mind wandering freely
Thoughts both good and bad
Wandering far and wide, far
And wide
Trapped by its own confines.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Nineteen: Something I Feel Strongly About

I gave myself a couple of days break from the blog. I’ve had an incredibly busy couple of days and I didn’t want to put too much pressure on myself, I had enough going on without that already and I have learned that stressing about my blog posts doesn’t actually help anyone. It makes me rush and then I worry about the standard of my posts, it’s just not worth it, so I decided a couple of days break was a good idea. And I even managed to not stress about it, which is quite the achievement!

I had quite a big weekend, it was Zombies birthday, I had a work do and a gig with friends, and I now completely realize that I am getting way too old to be having big nights out two nights in a row. I had an absolute blast though, a few too many drinks but a weekend that was just fun, no drama, no anxiety, just happiness and laughter and of course a sore head.

image

For today’s topic I’ve decided to go with honesty as something that’s important to me. And my reason is simple. I have been lied to or about too many times to count and I have also lied myself far too many times.

We are human, therefore we lie. We all do it, maybe only a little, harmless white lies to protect someone are an example. It’s when the lies get big and start affecting people that its bad.

I used to lie a lot, to save my own ass and also to protect other peoples feelings. From ‘wasn’t me’ when I was a child to agreeing with people when I didn’t want to to avoid conflict, lying was a big part of my every day life. I wasn’t even bothered by it. For some reason I never felt bad.

I wasn’t one of those people who lies so often that they believe the stories they make up themselves, but eventually I did realize that I wasn’t doing anyone any favours by telling little lies all the time, least of all myself.

Part of the reason for this, was the sheer amount I was being lied to in return. I’ve had a couple of friends and ex’s in the past who I sometimes wonder if any part of our relationships were based on honesty at all. There were the times that I was blatently lied to and I would accept it because of who it was. That’s just what they were like. And of course I’d lie right back, then most likely go off and tell someone my own version of events, that were always slightly embellished as well. And of course there were the broken promises with all the made up excuses to justify them.

I also lied constantly about my mental health. I told a few people, but only people that I felt I could trust. Some of these people I couldn’t trust, but at the time I felt like I could. I pretended I was fine sometimes and other times I pretended I was worse. I played pretend a lot.

Accepting my flaws was a huge help in helping me realize the extent of my dishonesty. None of it was overly harmful, but when grouped together, it was a negative ball of energy that followed me around and made my life a lot more dramatic than it needed to be. With being honest I have formed some deeper bonds with some friends and severed others that were detrimental to my own wellbeing. The latter is certainly a difficult thing to do, but sometimes it is better for both parties involved to go their seperare ways and stop hurting each other.

Honestly is not always the best policy. The age old question a lot of women ask, ‘does my bum look big in this?’ It’s dangerous territory to say yes, but there actually are plenty of ways to get around this question without getting yourself into trouble for lying or being too honest, although personally I never ask this question because I don’t want the answer I know is true.

In short, while I don’t reveal every little detail about myself on this blog or to everyone I meet, if I discuss it on here, its the truth and I also will no longer say things to keep myself out of trouble, or to protect others if its in their best interest to know the truth. In doing so, I’ve received a lot more honesty from the people surrounding me too, which is all I can ask for.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Eighteen: Something That Feeds My Brain

I’m a thinker. An over thinker. I could think as a sport, it’d be the only sport I excelled at, but that’s not the point. My brain gets a lot of use. Not all of it good however, the majority of this thinking is the over analysis that comes with anxiety.

image

I do put my brain to good use by reading. I read a lot, because I enjoy learning and because I enjoy escaping reality, immersing myself in another world.

I spent my childhood with my nose in a book. As long as it was fiction, I was happy to read it. It offered me a reprieve from the stresses of socializing at school lunch time and I also really enjoyed pretending that I was the characters, that I had the confidence they did, the lifestyle, basically I could be someone other than my ‘wimpy’ self.

I read fantasy novels such as ‘Alice In Wonderland’ and ‘The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.’ I was obsessed with ‘The Babysitters Club’ series. I read romance novels, coming of age books and an absolute heap of children’s books, on any topic. I wasn’t the slightest bit interested in non fiction though.

As I got older, naturally my tastes changed. I started branching out, reading crime novels, Elizabethan, mystery, anything but sci-fi. I have this issue where I have to finish every book I start reading. Unfortunately, this means I’ve read some terribly written books and I’ll never get that time back. Luckily it doesn’t take me very long to read.

Nowadays I read just as much, but my focus has shifted more to blogs and non fiction books. I enjoy blogs because I get insights into real peoples worlds, I often feel less of a weirdo when I read someone’s blog post that I can relate to. I also enjoy learning and discovering new things to see and try, things I might otherwise never have heard of.

Since meeting Zombie I’ve also read a couple of non fiction books, both related to World War Two. It’s not something I’d had a lot of interest in growing up, despite having Grandfathers and Great Uncles who had fought for our country in war, but I find it fascinating now. It gives me a lot of mixed emotions, sadness, anguish, even guilt so there are times where I simply can’t face it, but I still love to learn more.

I would be lost without the ability to read. I would be bored out of my brain. I read everyday, fiction and non fiction and I hope that I always do.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Seventeen: Something That Feeds My Soul

Today’s topic is easy. Music.

image

Not just any music mind you. I like music with feeling. I feel like a lot of mainstream songs these days are just made for the sake of it. They all sound the same, they lyrics aren’t deep or meaningful, I just can’t relate to them. Don’t get me wrong, there are some fun songs out there that don’t fit into this deep and meaningful category that I still like, but they don’t feed my soul.

But give me a song with feeling and I’m so down. Everything has to click. The lyrics need to flow, the melodies and composition need to match perfectly. I want to be able to feel the music, to be taken on a journey.

A classic example of music that can do this for me, is in my hands down favourite band, Muse. I love them. The songs are complex, they chop and change throughout but in a way that compliments the previous bars and the vocals, you can tell that Matt Bellamy is singing from the heart. His voice relates emotions, desperation, happiness, anger, that matches the tone of the music in a way that often gives me chills.

Muse is not the only band that does this for me, but they are the one that I can’t listen to without feeling the music inside me, they can change my mood in a good way and I’m okay with that.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie