I’d like to report that I’m feeling amazing, but the truth is that the second quarter of this challenge has been a lot more… challenging.
After the first quarter I felt awesome and I expected that to continue. I’m not sure if it’s been apparent by the state of my recent posts, I feel like some of them have been a bit lacklustre, but my demeanour went downhill pretty quickly after day 25.
Positivity breeds positivity, but this month I’ve learned that I personally can’t fake it until I make it. I’ve been anxious, depressed, overwhelmed and angry and it’s been getting progressively worse each day. I’ve reached a point where I feel like I could snap at any moment. So many little things annoy me each day and sometimes all it takes is the slightest flicker in someone’s eye to put a raincloud over me for a few hours. I even got up and stormed out of work for a few minutes yesterday when I’d had enough of the chatter.
None of my posts have been untrue, each day I have posted about something that makes me happy but some days it has been a struggle to think of anything, even with my boy sitting in front of me being all adorable as he does. I guess there’s only so many times I can post about him without getting too repetitive though.
I started freaking out about what was happening to me. I’ve been feeling like the world has been against me, everyone seems to be having a go at me, angry thoughts have been taking over my brain and I’ve reverted back to an old habit of having arguments with people over and over in my head while in the shower or alone in the car. Sometimes I even speak the words out loud which actually does make me feel better, but it’s a pretty fruitless endeavour.
Tired and grumpy but determined to get through
I realised a couple of days ago that I’d somehow stopped taking my antidepressant medication about a month ago. I didn’t intend to, I don’t even know how I missed so many days, I’m usually very good at takinf it, but I have. And it’s blatantly obvious that going cold turkey does not work for me. I think it can even be dangerous for people, every time I’ve been on antidepressants when my doctor and I have agreed that it’s time to come off them I’ve been weaned off slowly, reducing the amount taken over a period of a few months.
Just stopping one night and not starting again, not a good idea.
The good news is that I’ve been taking my medication for four days now, the bad news is that it’s not a switch that can be flicked and it needs to built up in my body again before it takes a noticeable affect. But I know it’s coming.
This is not exactly a happy post, though it does have a happy ending. I’ve identified my issue and taken steps to resolve it. Now I’ve got another fifty days to turn this challenge back around and I’m feeling a lot more positive about it than I was even yesterday. I’ve felt like I’ve been slowly going insane, but I know it’ll only be a matter of time before I can see more clearly and feel a bit more like my alive and functioning self. I just have to keep taking my meds.
Smiles and Sunshine