Caesearean Section, This Time It’s My Choice

It’s been a very long time since I’ve posted, the main reason being I’m just tired.  I’m 34 weeks into my twin pregnancy and I’ve been running on empty pretty much the entire time.  I have little inspiration for writing, despite having plenty going on in life and absolutely no motivation anyway.  I spend my days going through the motions: work, looking after the wee man, running errands and doing chores that need doing before collapsing on the couch after Bubbles bedtime, too tired to even think.  My brain shuts off as soon as I sit.  I absentmindedly play games on my phone for a while, not really paying attention to anything before going to bed.  I sleep alright and wake just as tired as the day before.  In many ways I am thankful this will be my last pregnancy. It is so much harder with two little people growing inside of you.  In other ways I’m sad.  I love feeling their little kicks and watching my belly bounce around.  They’re as busy as their big brother was but being two of them it seems like so much more.


I have around three weeks to go until the twins are born, that being said they could decide to arrive at any moment.  If I do make it to the 37 weeks they’ll be born via elective caesarean.  If my waters break or I go into labour earlier it’ll still be a caesarean, but the doctors will try to delay the labour as long as possible before opening me up.  I have mixed feelings about having another caesarean.  This time it’s my choice and I’ve chosen this route based on all the information I’ve been given and looked into.  I view it as the safest option for the three of us, but I’m sad that I will never experience a natural birth.  What makes it even harder for me is a lot of peoples reactions when I tell them I’m having another caesarean.  Most people are supportive, but I’ve had a lot of disapproving reactions too.

First cuddle after my wee man was born

When Bubble was born it all happened very quickly.  I found out I was having a c section the day before and went through a million emotions.  I was scared, no, I was petrified.  The thought of being awake and cut open made me feel sick.    I was angry.  I felt like this was all the babies fault, I even decided for a fleeting moment I wasn’t going to love the baby because of ‘what it had done’.  Of course I came to my senses, felt guilty and disgusted at myself, shed a lot of tears and sometimes to this day still feel guilt about those thoughts.  Mostly though, I felt ripped off.  I was being pushed into having a major surgery I didn’t want.  I thought I knew better than the obstetricians.  After talking to my midwife I was still upset, but I trusted her a lot more than the doctors and while she wasn’t able to abate my fears or disappointment, she was able to convince me it was the safest option.  She knew I wanted a natural birth but as the scan was showing an estimated 12lb of baby, the risks of a natural birth were too high.


Looking back I realise it was the best option. Bubble was 11lb5oz with wide shoulders, he would absolutely have gotten stuck on the way out and needed assistance which could have caused trauma to both of us.  Instead he came out healthy, happy and fully intact.  I had a textbook recovery.  I didn’t even need painkillers the next day, although the midwives at the hospital made me take them a couple of times because they didn’t believe that I wasn’t in pain.

Moments after he was born and checked over by the neo natal team.

Everyone was very supportive afterwards.  I felt no judgement for having a c section, despite seeing many articles online and women in forums talking about how they’d been shamed for caesareans, regardless of the reasons.  However I personally had mixed emotions and I truly believe that a large portion of my PPD was due to the caesarean.  I blamed myself but felt anger towards the hospital.  If only they had acted sooner and induced me I could have had a natural birth while he was still small enough for me to safely do so.  They had gone on and on about how I had gestational diabetes, despite the fact that several blood and glucose tests came back showing I didn’t.  But why else would I have had a big baby?  The fact that Zombie and I were big babies and a lot of our family members were also apparently wasn’t a good enough reason.  No, it had to be diabetes.  I still feel angry and mixed about it sometimes, 19 months later, despite the fact I know that we had the best outcome possible and that Bubble is a thriving toddler who lives and enjoys life to the fullest.  Some feelings are hard to shake.


I have little to no feeling on the skin from my belly button to the bottom of my stomach and I don’t like touching that area at all.  It feels strange.  It’s not completely numb, but numb enough to be confusing to the touch.  Over time the area that’s numb has gotten smaller, but it still catches me off guard when I least expect it.  The strangest part about the numbness is that I can feel under the skin and that is constantly tender.  Many a time Bubble has kicked me there during a nappy change, making me cry out in pain, yet if he gets me somewhere that’s not numb it doesn’t hurt at all.  The other remnants of the surgery are mental. They are worse than the numbness.  I have talked about it with peer supporters and I don’t feel as bad as I used to, but I’m guessing it’s going to take me a while longer to get past it.

My handsome wee guy

It took me a while to decide on a caesarean this time.  With Bubble I felt like I had missed out on an experience; childbirth.  It’s ridiculous because he was born and I got to experience the delight of bringing a baby into the world, but that’s how I felt.  When choosing a caesarean for the twins I again felt like I was missing out, but at least this time it’s my choice.  The twins are very active and have spent most of the pregnancy changing positions, top and tailing, breech, transverse, breech again…  They are all over the place and likely will not be in position when it counts.  Even if they are, there is an very high change I’d need an emergency section for the second twin, which is something I’d rather avoid as having to heal in two areas with two newborns and a toddler is not something I’m keen on.  There’s a lot of other reasons I’ve chosen a caesarean but probably the biggest is the simple fact that often once the first twin is born, the second needs to be positioned manually.  By a person reaching in, grabbing them and moving them into the right place.  No thanks.


Of course this time round the obstetricians are keen for me to go natural, despite this time having a genuine gestational diabetes diagnosis and the fact that both twins have consistently measured 3-4 weeks ahead the entire pregnancy.  Go figure.  My midwife said it’s because they get excited about natural twin births because they are less common.  Of course plenty of women have their twins naturally, many with no issues.  But I personally feel the risks and potential intervention requirements are too high.  I just need these two to be born safely.  They already face challenges due to the fact they will be born early, let’s just get them out in one piece each.

He’s full of beans and loves life

I don’t understand why some people are having less than positive reactions this time round, but I wish they wouldn’t.  I know there is a stigma when it comes to c sections.  Some people have strong feelings about them, claiming it makes a woman not a ‘real’ mother or that it’s the easy way out.  Others just seem to think that natural is the way to go but like me with my first born a lot of us don’t get a choice and often a caesarean is the safest option for everyone involved.  They are NOT the easy way out.  You have scars, you still have numbness and pain years later.  It takes around six weeks, sometimes more to heal and in that time there is not a lot you can do, even picking up your baby can be difficult.  If you want to breastfeed your milk takes longer to come in, sometimes over a week. You can’t drive, you have to rely on others to do things for you, walking down the driveway can seem like a 5km hike and for a lot of women the mental scarring never disappears.  No one has been rude to me about my decision, but the disapproving reactions I sometimes get hurts.  I’m not hurting anyone by having a caesarean, other than maybe my own mental health but that is my battle to fight.  This is my body, my babies, my decision.  It does not make me any less of a mother.

Smiles and Sunshine



Me Too

In response to the news of Harvey Weinstein’s sexual misconduct a copy and paste trend has risen on Facebook where if you have been a victim of sexual harassment or assault you share the status ‘Me Too’ in the hopes that the gravity of the situation can be demonstrated and it’s not okay. 

It’s not okay that there are countless women AND men who are victims of this. In the last two days I have seen ‘Me Too’ statuses from more friends and family members than I can count and that doesn’t include the people who will be too scared to post. It’s not okay that any of us have been subjected to sexual harassment or assault at all. 

At 16 years old I was raped by an older man I knew through my job and whom I trusted. I was a virgin. Yes, I had a schoolgirls crush on this man. Yes, I agreed to go to his house to watch movies. Did I consent to have sex with him? No. Did he give me a choice? No. 

I told a friend about it the next day and she dragged me to the local police station, where I had to relive everything over and over in statements and examinations. A few months later they told me that despite at least two other women who had been victims of the same man (one too scared to make a statement) there was nothing they could do as the man’s flatmate had been home at the time, which meant that I could have called out for help. The policeman was sympathetic towards me and didn’t doubt my integrity, but his hands were tied.

What was worse than this was the backlash. My so called friend went straight from taking me to the police station to my workplace and told anyone who would listen. For months afterwards I endured conversations ending abruptly as I entered a room. People would stare at me and call me a skank as I walked past. Plenty of people thought I had made the whole thing up and someone really close to me even said to my face that they thought something like that would happen to me.

The torment I put myself through was the hardest part to deal with. For months afterwards I had a recurring dream that I had fallen pregnant from the rape and would wake up petrified that it was true, despite knowing it wasn’t. Then I started to doubt myself. Had I even said no? Was it my fault for spending time with him? Did I ask for it? Sometimes to this day I still doubt whether it can be classed as rape or was I just a silly little girl who got what she deserved.

Over the years I have received plenty more unwanted attention. I’ve had men pinch my bottom at clubs, wolf whistle and yell obscenities at me from their cars and had men get angry at me and call me names when I’ve turned them down. I’ve had men and women grab me and try to kiss me against my will and endured countless hours of people talking about me in a sexual manner when I could hear them. 

A much older married man spent months pursuing me, sending me dirty text messages and trying to guilt trip me the countless times I turned him down and I even had my drink spiked while out one night by another man I trusted and have a blank patch of several hours where I somehow ended up in my bed at home with a couple of friends knocking frantically on my door to check I was okay. Apparently I had left the bar with that man although I have no recollection nor have I seen him since. Thankfully I woke up fully clothed in this situation but it scares me to think what could have happened had my friends not followed.

I am afraid to publish this post. I am afraid that I will get victim shamed again, that people will not believe me or that friends will look at me differently. 

But I also do not want sympathy for this. I want this to stop happening to men and women period. Our bodies are our own and no one has the right to touch them without our consent. If a man or woman turns someone down it does not make them a bitch or an asshole, it means they have respect for themselves. I want victim shaming to stop as well. What a person is wearing or how drunk they are does not indicate consent, consent can only be given by the person and them alone. If they are too drunk to know what is happening or passed out, they cannot consent, no matter where they are or what is going on. No one deserves to be touched against their will or harrased. 

But most of all I want all victims of sexual harassment and assault to stand up and say ‘Me Too’ without fear of consequences. I did not want to go to the police after my incident and I rarely talk about it, but despite my friends betrayal I’m glad she made me report it as more assaults and harrasmemt cases need to be reported. No one deserves to be violated ever and I hope that one day these situations will be history.

Double Trouble

It’s been a very long time since I posted, but I have a good reason. It wasn’t intentional, I finished up my 100 Happy Days with all intentions of writing regular posts and keeping my social media updated, but then I got sick. 

So sick. 

I couldn’t keep much food down and I was exhausted. I wasn’t worried though, I knew exactly what was going on. Zombie and I had decided it was time to start trying for another baby. We just didn’t expect it to happen so fast!

I booked in for a scan right away and had it at five weeks. I’ve mentioned that I had an ectopic pregnancy in the past and I wanted to make sure that bubs was in the right place. While the radiologist was performing the scan I told her about how sick I’d been as it was a so much more than with Bubble. That was when she told me it was probably because there were two yolk sacs.

Twins! And identical twins at that!

Twins don’t run in our families so Zombie and I were understandably shocked but it wasn’t long before we got used to the idea and even got excited about it. It’s not easy though. I was hospitalised for three days with dehydration due to hyperemesis, I’ve thrown up several times a day for the past three months, I have less than zero energy no matter how much rest I get and I’ve lost twelve kgs which while pregnant is NOT a good thing.

The two parts of our again video game related announcement.

But I can’t wait. I’ve spent the last couple of months either sleeping, throwing up or trying not to do both and all because Zombie and I decided it was time to make Bubble a big brother. We just never expected him to be getting two siblings!
Smiles and Sunshine


100 Happy Days 100/100, Just The Beginning

One hundred days, one hundred posts, the majority of them more than one paragraph which I’m pretty proud of considering the challenge was started as a photo challenge. 

I’ve enjoyed it, but I’ve also had the odd day where I felt like giving up. When I started a hundred days ago I had no idea if I could actually do it, since I havn’t been able to stick to anything this year, but here I am. I’m pleased I pushed through the days where it was a bit harder and I always felt better afterwards.

I feel like the challenge has helped me. I feel happier, I’ve found more motivation than I’ve had this whole year and both Zombie and I have noticed that our lives are just pretty good in general right now. Far from perfect of course, but I truly believe that small things that used to be able to bring my mood down and stress me out are a lot easier to deal with when I’m happier overall.

I feel like I have a good hold on my PPD at the moment and I’m doubting myself as a mother less. I’ve been taking my antidepressants daily since my month long slip up and I’ve been making more effort to attend my support group which I had started missing on the regular. I’m no longer letting Anxiety direct me to the worst case scenario every time I get a minor curve ball. 


I needed to do this challenge. I started it on a whim, unsure if it would work, unsure if my followers would get bored of the change of direction of the blog for three whole months and terrified of failing. I didn’t have time for it and I’d set myself a pretty big target that roughly 70% of people fail on the first or only attempt. 

And now, for the first time since I found out I was pregnant with my son I feel like I know where I am going with my blog. It’s been a little all over the place for over a year now, mostly due to pressure I was putting on myself to write posts when I was out of inspiration. 

Happiness in Tekapo

It’s been a hundred days of reflection on the good things that life has to offer if we just take the time to notice. I’d forgotten about a lot of it, Anxiety and Depression skewing my perception of the world making it difficult to be truly happy even during wonderful moments. 

I’m glad that’s a thing of the past now. I’d like to say I’ll be more self aware and not let myself be sucked in so deep into Depression and Anxiety in the future, but unfortunately I can’t. I don’t know what the future holds nor how I will handle it.

For now, I am content with my life and motivated to keep it that way for as long as possible and excited for.a future I was almost dreading three months ago.

Smiles and Sunshine


100 Happy Days 99/100, Looking Forward

I can’t believe that tomorrow will be 100 days since I started this challenge and I’m super excited about it.

I had a hundred ideas for todays post. Music, cooking, the environment, memories… 

I couldn’t decide on one. And then I realized that I’m actually really looking forward to the end of the challenge tomorrow and being able to take a day off from my blog and also the sense of achievement I’m anticipating I’ll feel. 

At my depression support group we often have to say something we’re looking forward to in the coming week and I’ve found this to be helpful in my everyday life. It’s good to have things to look forward to, sleepins on the weekend, birthdays, events, anything really. Sometimes it’s what keeps me going when I’m going through a low or anxious patch in life. And when I’m mentally well it’s always nice to have something to look forward to.

Smiles and Sunshine


100 Happy Days 98/100, Biggest Loser

I’m currently participating in a Biggest Loser challenge and there’s just over two weeks to go. I’m pleased to say that over the last five weeks I’ve been able to report a loss each weigh in, except one where I stayed the same. I’ve lost over 3kgs and have started to get into a routine with healthy eating including cutting down drastically on the soft drinks. 

I don’t expect to win this time round as I got off to a slow and steady start, but I feel like this was the kick I needed to start getting myself on track.

Smiles and Sunshine


100 Happy Days 97/100, Extra Special

Since Bubble joined our family we have been lucky enough to have been given some extra special hand me downs.

The set of drawers that my Grandfather on my mothers side who died before I was born made that now reside in Bubble’s room.

These finger puppets knitted by my paternal Grandmother for some of my cousins. My Aunt has been amazing with how much she has sent for Bubble and I was touched that she wanted him to have the finger puppets

Zombies Alf who was one of his favourites growing up.  Alf is well travelled and loved, Zombie gave him to his nephew Boyo in Australia who loved him for years before recently passing him on to Bubble.

The other day Mum found this trolley and block set that I learned to walk with.  I was particularly stoked as she thought the blocks were long gone!

Rupert who went everywhere with Zombie and some soft toys I loved as a child like Koala (I was inventive with names) who I think belonged to my Nana on Mums side. Both of these guys have seen better days so they live on top of the drawers.

This bear is the most special to me.  When my siblings and I were born our father bought us each our own teddy bear.  This one he purchased in in case there was a fifth baby, but he died before that could happen.

On the morning that Bubble was born Mum came round to drive us to the hospital and when I opened the door she handed me the bear, still in it’s bag, explained the story behind it and told me that she had decided to give it to the baby (Bubble) who was about to be born.

Of course I burst into tears.  I could blame the fact that I was over forty weeks pregnant and petrified that I was about to have a c-section, but the truth is this gesture would have brought me to tears on my most level headed day.

I feel so blessed that our wee family has so many items that have made their way through our two families over the generations to Bubble.  I’m also looking forward to being able to pass these on to future babies born into the family.

Smiles and Sunshine