3 Days, 3 Quotes, Part 3

I was nominated by some wonderful fellow bloggers, Elusive Trope and From Crazy With Love for the 3 days, 3 quotes challenge and here is my day three, with yet another song quote.

This time I’ve strayed from my usual metal/rock song and I’ve gone for something quite mellow, but still relatively alternative.  It’s a very popular new song and I think the main appeal to the song is the fact that it is just so damn relatable!  The song is called Here by Alessia Cara.

I’m sorry if I seem uninterested
Or I’m not listenin’ or I’m indifferent
Truly, I ain’t got no business here
But since my friends are here
I just came to kick it but really
I would rather be at home all by myself not in this room
With people who don’t even care about my well-being
I don’t dance, don’t ask, I don’t need a boyfriend
So you can go back, please enjoy your party
I’ll be here, somewhere in the corner under clouds of marijuana
With this boy who’s hollering I can hardly hear
Over this music I don’t listen to and I don’t wanna get with you
So tell my friends that I’ll be over here

Oh oh oh here oh oh oh here oh oh oh
I ask myself what am I doing here?
Oh oh oh here oh oh oh here
And I can’t wait till we can break up outta here

The song is about being at a party and feeling horribly out of place, just wishing you could be anywhere but here.  I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve felt this way.  Sitting in the corner, waiting for the time that I could leave.  Even being outside by myself, away from the loudness, the social pressures and expectations would be better than having to pretend that I wasn’t ridiculously uncomfortable.

I personally used to hate being at parties because I was terrified of being seen as the ‘loser’, the person by themselves not having fun with everyone else.  I would often try to start conversations with people but there would always be someone more interesting than me to talk to so my attempts would usually be cut short.  I also struggle with the noise of the music.  It’s not always music that I don’t like, but I really can’t stand being in a social situation where you have to yell at each other just to be heard.  The amount of times I’ve smiled and nodded when in reality I have no idea what’s been said to me is pretty amazing.

I’ve been told in the past that I’m like an Ice Queen.  I was surprised by this, because I’m a pretty friendly person most of the time, but after hearing the first few lines of this song I finally understood it.  After a while of being at a party I would often give up.  Anyone who did try to talk to me after this point wouldn’t get a lot out of me.  I just couldn’t cope with trying so hard for the entire night and it would get to a point where I would shut down and just wait to go home.  Usually I’d pester my friends to get going from this point forward too.  There have also been plenty of times where I’ve literally just walked out and walked home without telling anyone.  I was always hurt that no one ever text or called me to check up on me, where I was or what had happened, but I think it was more that I was just so unnoticeable at parties, because I couldn’t socialise, that people rarely noticed.

I don’t go to parties anymore.  I don’t have any desire to.  I’m quite happy to socialise with a few friends, with the music on an audible but low volume so we can hear each other and I prefer these nights to be with an activity.  Games nights, poker, movies, something so that I don’t have to spend the entire night trying to make conversation.  It’s a lot easier for me this way and also a lot more enjoyable.

When I first heard this song I wondered if Alessia had social anxiety herself.  After hearing it a few times and seeing the reaction online to the song I’m not so sure anymore.  She quite possibly does, but I think that secretly a lot of people just don’t like the party scene and would rather spend a quiet night in, or do something fun with friends instead of struggling to prove themselves in a situation that they don’t even want to be in in the first place.

As always, here is the music video:

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

 

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3 Days, 3 Quotes, Part 2

I was nominated by some wonderful fellow bloggers, Elusive Trope and From Crazy With Love for the 3 days, 3 quotes challenge and here is my day two, with another song quote.

This time I’ve selected the verse and chorus from the song Butterflies and Hurricanes by my favourite band, Muse, these lyrics written by the front man Matt Bellamy.  This is another one of my, ‘this is my favourite Muse songs but I’d probably say the same thing about half their songs…’

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called
Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best,
You’ve got to be the best
You’ve got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

I always liked the lyrics in this song.  The second verse is the same as the first, but with more feeling.  The entire song sounds like an ascension, the vocals and music starting out softly, getting louder and more complex with each line until BOOM! Piano solo.  It’s absolutely fantastic.

But I digress.

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

I relate to this song a lot more this year than any other year, being the year that I’ve changed everything I was for the better.  Of course it started out slowly towards the end of last year, but I guess you could say that when I hit rock bottom, my panic attack at work last year, that was my number being called.

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Like anything in life, nothing comes easy and becoming a happy and healthy person certainly has had it’s ups and downs, I assume it always will, but fighting the downs and hard times is something that I have the power to do, therefore I will .

Best,
You’ve got to be the best

This probably touches home more than any other line in the song.  I wouldn’t go as far as saying I have to be the best, to me that just seems impossible, but I sure can relate to it in the sense that when I don’t do as well as hoped or planned, I do feel like a bit of a failure.  Another thing I am working on.

You’ve got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard

Small changes every day is the only way we are going to change the world.  I don’t for a second believe that one person can do it alone, but I do believe that by sharing my struggles, successes and things I’ve learned along the way, that I might be able to give some people hope.  I’ve certainly learned a lot and been given a tonne of hope from reading other peoples blogs who have had similar experiences.  This is my chance to be heard and I’m using it.

Your time is now

Now.  Just now.  There is no time like the present for us to take opportunities and enjoy life.  I spent far too long not enjoying life, so these days I try to take every Now that I can.

If you want to hear the song, I’ve included it here.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty Eight. What Have I Learned During This Challenge

Finally I am writing the last post for this twenty eight day challenge. A challenge that should have taken me exactly twenty eight days, but instead took me nearly two months.

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Why? Because I didn’t enjoy it. It made writing, something I absolutely love doing, become a chore. I do not like chores and I have a tendency to procrastinate when it comes to them, so naturally I dragged finishing this challenge out.

It started out fine. The topics were fun, some a little open to interpretation, but all very on point with happiness, positivity and enjoying the life I’ve been given. So what changed?

Honestly, I don’t know. I know I missed getting to choose my own topics. I’m brimming with ideas on what to write about, but felt like I had to finish the challenge first, which is definitely not the right mindset to be in for completing a task.

We are getting to the busy time of the year which automatically stresses me out. I always feel like I’m running out of time around October and November. Christmas and New Year creep up so suddenly, one minute they seem like they are a lifetime away, the next they are just around the corner. It’s around this time of year I start stressing about money, about how many paydays are left and how much needs doing at that time.

It gets busier at work, which means extra hours and while this is something I can cope with, the lesser personal hours certainly takes its toll on me. There is still the same amount of things to be done, but less time to do them in. Subsequently I end up spending my big planned weekends doing nothing, just to make sure that I get enough rest.

I also haven’t been very well of late. Rundown, I’ve had a couple of colds (in November???) And I even managed to get myself a stomach bug last week. I am not good at being ill, never have been. I swear I get manflu.

It also doesn’t help that I’ve completely fallen off the healthy eating wagon. I eat something healthy every single day, but I’ve also been treating myself daily which is showing in my temperament, weight and overall physical wellbeing. I’m definitely not depressed or anxious, but the signs are there.

Thanks to Movember, I’ve managed to keep my exercise on track. I’m evercising for at least 30 minutes a day for the whole of November and raising funds for The Movember Foundation in the process. So far I have raised $145 which is awesome. Most of the people at my workplace are getting amongst it and as a team we have raised over eight grand, which is absolutely amazing.

So it’s not all bad, which is the part I  focusing on. I know that eating too many treats has a negative effect on all aspects of my health, mental, physical and my sleep patterns and I don’t know how I let it get to this point, but the fact is I have. It’s not too late to change it though. Admitting it on my blog is a good start. I haven’t been pretending that I’ve been 100% good for the last few months, more just not admitting it to myself, that way I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

Life is a rollercoaster. We have ups and downs, sometimes more ups and sometimes more downs. I’ve had more ups this year than any other year I’ve been alive, so I’m not berating myself for this couple of months of downs. We all fall off at some stage, from whatever we are trying to achieve, fitness, health, goals, the important thing is to get back on the horse, which is what I intend to do, starting tomorrow.

I’m actually really proud of myself for not over thinking this setback. I could analyze it from every angle for a few more months and sink deeper and deeper in doing so to the point where crawling back up is like starting over again, but somehow this time around I have managed not to do so. It just goes to show that while it is easy enough to fall back into old habits, the further you have come, the easier it is to fight them.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#Loveme Day Twenty Seven: What Have I Accepted About Me

I’m finally getting through this challenge. Something I have accepted about myself is that I sure can’t do everything! Doesn’t stop me from trying though…

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I’ve discussed in previous posts the negative opinion I’ve had of myself for most of my life. As far as I was concerned I was useless, ugly, basically good for nothing. I didn’t try to do anything because I ‘just knew’ that I wouldn’t be able to do it.

From the outside, I probably looked like I thought I was better than everyone. I know I tried to cover up my insecurities by acting this way. I would smirk at things all the time, every emotion was negative. I didn’t like to see people succeed and I was very quick to point out any down sides to peoples achievements I could, to other jealous people of course. I was the walking definition of Tall Poppy Syndrome.

This year, I have accepted that I am not useless. I am still working on not constantly thinking of myself as ugly, but I know for a fact now that I can do things I set my mind to. What’s changed? My attitude and a little bit of effort.

Gone are the days of putting people down behind their backs due to jealousy, purely to make myself feel better. Now I celebrate their successes and support them, as they do me. I no longer wake up angry at myself, constantly telling myself ‘there’s no point, don’t even try’ because there is a point. I’m not scared of failure anymore because failure doesn’t have to be forever.

It might seem like a strange thing to accept, but it is a pretty big deal to me. It’s turned me into a different person. A happy person, a person who wants to live life to the full, finding as much enjoyment as possible in each day and sharing it with people along the way. I think that’s a pretty alright way to be.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty Four: What Makes Me Happy

I’m back after a much needed hiatus from this challenge and ready to tackle the last few days, starting with What Makes Me Happy.

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It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what makes me happy. Of course Zombie does, spending time with good friends and family, achieving things, but I’m the type of person who, I’m either happy or I’m not and when I’m not it’s usually depression related which as many of us know there is no quick fix for.

I wrote a post a while ago; Is Happiness A Choice and to this day my answer remains the same. Yes and no. I choose to be happy most of the time. I get helped along by witnessing human kindness and compassion for fellow people and animals alike and sharing in other peoples good news.

There are the days of course that I can’t be happy, either due to anxiety or depression. These days are not as frequent as they used to be but sometimes they still rear their heads. And I couldn’t tell you what makes me unhappy on those days either.

All in all, not a very good answer really, but I just take happiness as it comes. I try to be as happy as possible for the majority of the time and not question it. That’s just asking anxiety in and that’s something I’d like to avoid.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty Two: What Makes Me Unique

I got a little bit worked up about this topic. I never used to think that there was anything special about me and more recently I’ve related to so many people with things they’ve said they do, when I thought I was the only one!

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There is however something I do, that I’ve not met or heard of anyone else doing. Years ago I heard a rumour that 0.001% of people in the world do this, but how you would measure it I have no idea!

When it happens in front of someone for the first time, there’s usually a bit of a double take on their part. ‘Did you just…?’ Is a pretty standard response. A lot of people think it’s put on as well, that I’m doing it on purpose. That is until  it happens over and over again. Then its usually met with laughter, the good kind.

I usually do it 2-3 times a day. Sometimes it hurts, usually it doesn’t, but it’s almost always at inopportune moments, when the room is silent, or I’m on the phone to a client. Even though I don’t know its coming, I have managed to hide it over the phone when it counts most times.

So what do I do that makes me unique?

When I hiccup, just a single hiccup, the kind that pops up every now and then, seemingly without reason… I say the word. It sounds like a hiccup, probably looks like one (people bounce a little when they hiccup don’t they?) It just has two syllables instead of one. The first being ‘hic,’ the second being ‘up,’ in quick succession.

Everyone who has come across me hiccup thinks it’s weird, but most people find it funny. I’m okay with that.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

#LoveMe Day Twenty One: Something I Am Proud Of

I could sit here and ramble on about things I’ve achieved, especially this year, but I feel a bit self involved doing that, which is silly because this challenge is supposed to help me feel more secure within myself. I’ve got a long way to go.

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I think there is a social pressure put on people to be overly modest these days. We downplay our achievements for fear of judgment. And why not? There are plenty of people out there who want to see us fail. I even used to be one of those people. There was nothing I wanted to see more, than someone fail. It didn’t matter if I knew them or not, it made me feel like less of a failure, better about myself. It made me feel better that I had nothing to be proud of myself for. Or so I thought.

I had no self confidence at all. I viewed myself as worthless, which resulted in jealousy, spiteful thoughts and general unhappiness. I didn’t like feeling this way, but it was all I knew. Until I realized that it didn’t have to be.

I don’t know specifically what made me realize that I could get through disappointment in myself without jealousy of others. What I did notice though, was the happier I felt for other people, the more worth I recognized in myself. This made me happy.

My self esteem is still lower than it should be, but it’s in a much more positive space than it has been previously and I feel that that is definitely something to be proud of.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie