Stepping Back

This week I lost sight of what’s important and went running full speed into the wall. I caught myself before I reached the wall, but unfortunately it was too late to avoid it completely.

I’m 36 weeks pregnant now. I’ve got less than two weeks left at work and Murphys Law has ensured that the last few weeks while I have been training my replacement have been difficult. Issues I’ve never come across before in the nearly five years I’ve been in the role have been cropping up all over the place and we’ve been getting more and more behind as a result. At a time when I should be relaxing, letting go of the reins, focusing on the upcoming arrival, I’ve instead been working myself into a frenzy about the state I’ll be leaving my job in.

My problem is I care too much. About everything, not just my job, but my job is important to me and this week it took a front row seat in my mind. My job is not easy and it’s often stressful (I work in export and distribution which is usually full on and full of deadlines) and I do have freak out moments at times, but I’ve usually been able to go home at the end of the day and leave work behind until the following morning.

Not this week. Actually, not throughout most of my pregnancy, but this week was notably worse. I’ve put it down to hormones and tiredness, but this week I let the stress take over, so much so that even after realizing that a panic attack was on the way, I was unable to avoid it completely. I saw my midwife on Thursday after seeing how stressed and exhausted I was, she decided it was in my best interests to take a day off.

Unfortunately the thought of getting even more behind freaked me out completely. I immediately decided to ignore the advice and go to work the next day, which in turn freaked me out about how I would react to another busy day at work, which was the final piece needed to start the panic attack. Thankfully only my second since falling pregnant (the first at about ten weeks), but still, two too many. Once I’d calmed down I realized just how much I needed to let go of what I can’t control anymore (work) and to focus on the important stuff. Looking after myself and baby.

So this weekend I haven’t done much at all. I’ve put my feet up, I’ve had some naps, watched some movies and even refrained from doing any housework. Zombie has done all the cooking (which has been fantastic and deilicious) and I think the best thing was my baby shower yesterday, where I got to have a complete break for a few hours and catch up with family and friends, some who I haven’t seen in ages. I didn’t have to lift a finger the whole afternoon and it was just what I needed to pick myself up and get excited again about  the major life change I’m going to have in a few weeks time.

Tomorrow is a public holiday so I’ve still got another day to relax before heading back to work for nine days before my maternity leave starts. My intention come Tuesday is to take a step back and just watch, which is what I was doing when I first started training my replacement. I need to give them time to get a handle on what to do when things go pear shaped and just help out when needed. This is my usual approach to training and I just somehow managed to get myself lost this time around.

There’s only a few weeks to go before a whole new potential for stress comes my way, so I’m planning to make the most of the time I have left by just enjoying it as much as I can. After a few days rest I’ve got my energy back and I intend to keep it for as long as I can, by listening to everyones advice and calming down.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie