I’ve always thought of myself as a bit of a wimp. Anxiety makes me scared of a lot of situations. I get nervous and antsy about confrontation, people yelling at each other near me, going first at something, making phone calls to strangers… Even little seemingly insignificant things can be terrifying when it’s one of your anxiety triggers.
Being at home alone overnight is a big one. I’m sure a lot of people feel nervous, scared or uncomfortable in these situations so I don’t actually know if my fear is Anxiety related, but what I do know is it can be paralyzing, as soon as the light flicks off, even though I’m not actually afraid of the dark.
After getting up out of bed at least four times to make sure every window was shut, every door locked, all the inside doors closed so that I can hear if anyone opens them and then finally feeling comfortable enough to drift off to sleep, I’m usually jolted awake suddenly by a small noise or something minor that wouldn’t bug me if I was not home alone.
Then comes the racing heart and worrying that the intruder who I just know is in the house to murder me or something knows exactly where I am because they can hear my heart pounding. Or my breathing. So I shut my eyes tight, lie as rigid as possible and try to breathe quietly, all the while listening intently for any sign of this intruder who’s taking their sweet time to get to me, my mind jumping from one awful scenario to the next and wishing for time to speed up, morning to come and my sanity to return.
Sometimes I’d feel this terror even if I wasn’t alone in the house but if everyone who could save me was sound asleep. I needed every single cupboard in the house to be shut tight overnight regardless if someone is home or not. I also get the fear if I’m only going to be home alone for a little while, but in bed for a portion of the time. My imagination knows no bounds when it comes to home intrusions despite the fact I thankfully have never experienced one while I was at home.
Well this doesn’t sound like a very happy post. But I’m getting to that bit. Because I realised the other day that it has been a very long time since I’ve felt scared like this. Admittedly I don’t stay alone overnight very often anymore, especially since Bubble was born, but on the rare occasions that I do I feel totally comfortable. I don’t even know when the fear left me.
Zombie pointed out to me the other day that I’ve been able to sleep with cupboard doors ajar for a while now, which is a good thing since a lot of the cupboards at our new house don’t close properly. He got me thinking about all the time I’d spent petrified in bed and realising that it’s been a long time since I felt that way. It’s a nice feeling.
Smiles and Sunshine