I came to the realisation earlier today that I am coping with motherhood better than I was at the beginning. Nothing anyone can say or do can prepare you for what’s in store when you become a parent but I think it’s safe to say that we do get better at it as our babies get older. Until today I was still of the mindset that I was struggling and flying blind when in reality, not to blow my own horn but I am doing a good job. I guess the main reason for that is learning as I go, learning how to relax when situations arise and also just the fact that I’ve gotten to know my baby over the past ten months, I no longer think of him as this fragile tiny human and realise that he’s actually pretty robust and rightly so, we would have died out centuries ago if we weren’t!
When we first took Bubble home from the hospital I was filled with excitement and nerves. I was over being in hospital (we were there for a week) but also terrified of going it alone while my mother was at home sick and Zombie was at work. There were tears (from both of us), tantrums (from me) and more poo than I thought could fit inside such a small body. It was very daunting at first and I’m not ashamed to say that while I got through it all, I never once felt like I was coping or doing it right.
People tried to reassure me that I was doing fine, but they weren’t there in my dark moments when I was wondering if I’d made a mistake, wanting a break, feeling overwhelmed and experiencing cabin fever. They weren’t there when I placed Bubble on our bed and almost yelled at him ‘I don’t know what you want!!” after he had been crying for an entire evening when Zombie was out of action with an injury and unable to hold him for longer than a few minutes. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be, but the emotions that ran through me in those times were all over the place.
I don’t know when things changed, but what I do know now is that when Bubble cried and fussed for hours the other day, after a night of minimal sleep for the whole family because he couldn’t settle due to how sick he was, is that I didn’t lose my cool. I was exhausted, yes. I found it hard, of course and on top of that I was worried sick about my poor wee guy, but I remained calm throughout the entire event, knowing that my role at that moment in my life was to just be there for him and do my best to make him as comfortable as possible.
I feel pretty stoked about this revelation. I feel like I’ve conquered a mountain that I was struggling to climb and now I’m sitting near the top and enjoying the view. Even though there’s a rough cold wind sometimes, I’m still able to enjoy the view and all the happiness it brings me. Bubble is still unwell, poor thing is in his first year of daycare and is currently catching every bug that floats around but I know that he is better off with me now, that I am doing a good job, staying calm, caring for him and showering him with love.
Smiles and Sunshine