Parenting Anxiety, In My Dreams Now??!!

It’s been a big week.  A long week, despite the fact that we are only three days in and an exhausting week.  It’s been stupid busy at work, there’ve been a few challenges at home and I’ve had a bunch of headaches that won’t go away, but it hasn’t been a bad week.  It’s been a good week, just tiring and a little unsettling.

Bubble has started commando crawling.  On Monday he could only roll to get where he wanted, or pivot on his knees by pushing his arms on the ground to face a different direction.  On Monday night he could commando crawl slowly and with extreme concentration.  On Tuesday night he chased Zombie’s fish and chips across the lounge and then the hallway.  He’s fast.  Not the most co-ordinated, but it’s become clear that the days of putting him down to nip to the bathroom for a minute are gone.  We have mobility.

It’s actually pretty cool and I’m super proud.  It’s daunting though.  In no time he’ll be full on crawling.  Then probably running.  I doubt he will ever walk, he seems too energetic for that kind of nonsense.

Speaking of energy, I don’t know where he gets it considering he’s decided to start waking up three to four times a night out of the blue.  We’ve been very lucky.  From just over two months old Bubble started sleeping through the night.  Before that he woke up once a night (except for three nights where he woke up twice).  But this week he’s decided that sleeping is not his thing.  He wakes up crying every couple of hours and will only settle down if I’m touching him.  As soon as I move my hand away, even if he seems to be back asleep, he’ll start crying again.

I’ve taken to cuddling him for half an hour until he’s definitely asleep and then putting him down again until the next time he wakes up.  It’s exhausting, but it’s actually really nice.  He’s too busy during the day for cuddles.  His world is full of new and exciting things to explore and it’s hard to pin him down.  But overnight when he wakes up all he wants is to cuddle.  I’m just not used to the sleep deprivation since he’s been such a good sleeper up until now.  I figure it’s just a phase he’s going through.  He has a tooth now so that could be bothering him, he also has a cold, so it could be that.  At the end of the day he’s a baby.  Babies wake up at unfortunate times.  I’ll learn to live with it.

When I have slept this week, it’s often been filled with weird and vivid dreams.  Dreams with people I haven’t even thought of for years popping up randomly halfway through then disappearing again.  Dreams where I have to climb metal walls with all sorts of hooks and handles just to buy some meat for a BBQ.

And the awful dream this morning where Bubble was dead.

It was horrible.  In the dream I was distraught but no one else was really bothered.  I don’t want to dwell on it, even writing about it is just about bringing a tear to my eye.

When I woke up I was disorientated and freaked out.  I rushed over to the cot to find Bubble fast asleep and fine, but I couldn’t shake the awful feeling the dream gave me.  When he woke up crying a few minutes later I picked him up and held him closer than ever before and silently cried for a while.

After he went back to sleep I decided to hit Google up and see if I was going crazy (honestly, what did parents DO before Google?) I was expecting my search to come up with lots of mothers forums, like all the other random searches I’ve made (including ‘can sneezing while pregnant hurt my baby.  Apparently I’m not the only one who worries about these things).  Instead it came up with websites dedicated to defining dreams.  I reworded my search several times and eventually found the forums and some other information.

Apparently it is very normal to have dreams about your child dying or being in some sort of trouble that you can’t fix when they reach a new stage in their life, like starting school or in my case, becoming mobile.  I guess it’s some sort of symbolism for the end of one stage of their life as they enter the next.  I spoke to a workmate who has kids years and years older than Bubble and she said it’s ongoing.  Bubbles caregivers mother apparently used to have a recurring dream that one of her children was taken from her.

Okay so it’s ‘normal’, but it’s still awful.  I don’t even want to have a dream like that again.  Losing Bubble is my worst nightmare, as losing a child would be any parents nightmare.  The pain I felt in that dream reminded me of how I felt when my father died and the tears I cried after he woke up and that are falling from my eyes right now are real.  I’m looking at him and I still feel that devastating feeling I felt in the small hours of this morning from my dream.  I’ve had nightmares before, but none that have affected me this bad and from the sounds of it, I’ll have dreams like this again.

It’s just another thing to add to the list of ‘things to get used to/deal with when you’re a parent’ but this one hit me out of the blue.  Of course I’ve worried about Bubble a lot, it’s my job as a mother to constantly think about him and if he’s okay and hope that nothing bad ever happens to him, but I never knew it would hit me in my sleep as well.  That might sound naive but I think a lot of parents come across a few things as they go that they had no idea would happen.

IMG_20160928_223203.jpg
Sleepy cuddles are the best cuddles

Bubble is fine.  He’s currently on the floor in front of me, laughing at and playing with one of his beanies.  He’s happy, healthy and most importantly alive and I feel like after last night I appreciate him even more.  So I guess in some ways the dream was a good thing.  I’m just not in a hurry for the next one.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

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6 thoughts on “Parenting Anxiety, In My Dreams Now??!!

  1. pffff that’s nothing.
    I recently had a dream where I had to be the player of guitar in the friends band, but it kept getting nearer to concert and I knew nothing and then of course it turned out I also had to do vocals, and no one I asked would tell me what the song was.
    So yeah.

    Liked by 2 people

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