It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything on here. In some ways it feels like forever but mostly the time has just flown by. I’ve been feeling better than when I last posted. I still have Postpartum Depression, but I’ve been getting a handle on it over the last month.
I go back to work tomorrow. My paid maternity leave is up and for financial reasons I have to go back right away. It’s something I’ve known since Zombie and I first started dating, if we ever had kids I’d have to go back to work, but knowing something and the reality are two different things.
I’m not ready. I’m not ready to spend my days without my little Mr. I’m not ready to rush around at work all day and be exhausted when I get home because I’m not used to it anymore and still having massive responsibilities. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope. I’ve been having vivid bad dreams about losing my wee boy and I often wake up petrified.
It feels like the end of the world. I feel like after tonight I’ll barely see Raiden and we won’t be so close anymore. I’ve finally developed a strong bond with him and I feel like it’s being taken away from me. I cry a lot at the moment because I already miss him, even when he’s in my arms. We spend most of our days being silly and giggling, making the most of the extra hours we have together, but it doesn’t feel like enough.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired, maybe it’s hormones or just how damn emotional I am right now, but I’m getting really tired of people telling me it will be okay. I know this. I know that it will get easier every week, that crying won’t always be a daily occurance and that the routine will be good for me and most importantly I know that my son will be in good hands while I’m at work.
But knowing that doesn’t change how I’m feeling right now. I know that people mean well, or maybe they just don’t know what to say but being told it will be okay doesn’t make it easier. It just makes me feel silly, like my emotions regarding going back to work are stupid. It makes me feel worse.
It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be a big adjustment. It’s going to take a lot of organisation and planning ahead, which has never been my strong point and it’s going to take a lot of strength at a time when I’m feeling the most vulnerable.
What keeps me going is knowing that this is the best thing for my family. So many women have to go back to work after having babies these days and the reality is that most of us wouldn’t if we didn’t have to. It’s always okay, but getting there is a process I have to go through at my own pace. Just like everyone else.
Smiles and Sunshine