I think the worst part about post partum depression is the continual flow of mixed emotions. I feel happy, sad, annoyed, overwhelmed, grumpy, apathy, confusion, guilt, the list goes on. Some days are worse than others, some days I am absolutely fine, but my current reality is that my mood can change at the drop of a hat, often for no apparent reason.
As I write this, I’m sitting at a table by myself, sipping on lemonade, while Zombie and his ice hockey team mates enjoy beers and banter. Several times they’ve invited me to sit with them and join in, but I am exhausted and all I want to do is be alone for a little while. I was looking forward to some alone time while Zombie was playing, sitting in the cafe at the rink while bubs slept, but instead one of the other WAGs was there and she spent the whole hour chatting to me. She is a lovely person, but I just couldn’t be bothered being social and I feel really ripped off that I didn’t get that time.
And of course I feel terrible and rude for being annoyed and I feel awkward sitting by myself next to a table of people who may or may not think that I’m just a rude or antisocial bitch. The guilt that comes with depression is a force to be reckoned with.
I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I don’t know when my next chance to just sit and relax alone for a while will be. We’ve just moved house both the old house and the new one are bomb sites at the moment. I’ve got a massive writing assignment due in a months time that I’ve not completed any of and I have an eleven week old to care for.
I sound like I’m complaining. I’m not, things are actually pretty wonderful at the moment. I have an eleven week old to care for, who gives me beautiful smiles on a daily basis and who’s favourite pass time is to fall asleep cuddling after a feed. I’ve just moved into a lovely family home with a big backyard and so many features that living in a small apartment for six years can’t even come close to. Plus I have a wonderful partner, a supportive family and fantastic friends.
Life’s pretty cool at the moment which is why having post partum depression really sucks. It’s stealing all these wonderful moments I should be enjoying from me, which makes me feel guilty, which starts the cycle all over again.
I don’t feel terrible all the time. Just often enough for it to be affecting my life more than I’d like it to. But I’m getting help now and not just medication, so it won’t be forever. For now I’m just lookin forward to having some me time.
Smiles and Sunshine