Struggling With Responsibility

I had a low day today. Just one of those days that show up unexpectedly and knock me around for a while. I was tired and mentally drained and struggled to get out of bed. So I didn’t. I fed my son, put him back to sleep and went back to bed myself.

I woke up a few hours later and repeated the process. I could have quite happily (well, numbly) done that all day, but I decided that it was probably better that I got up and dressed at least, so I made a little effort.

I didn’t do much at all, just fed my baby and watched TV. But my son needs more attention than just feeding and nappy changes. He needs love and interaction from me and it wasn’t long before he was crying for some.

I didn’t know what to do. I was physically and mentally drained despite having done nothing all day and his crying made me feel like a failure. I wanted it to stop without having to do anything. I wanted someone to take over and just give me a break. I wanted someone to look after him for me. I listened to him cry for what seemed like hours, even though it was only about five minutes.

Than I started crying. I felt terrible for my son, having to wait for me to sort my shit out. He didn’t ask for a mother who can’t cope all the time and he doesn’t deserve it either. So I picked him up, told him how much I love him and apologized over and over even though I knew he wouldn’t understand.

Then something amazing happened. His little face lit up and he smiled. A big beautiful gummy smile that shone through his eyes as well. He shook his head gently back and forth and absolutely beamed at me. His first smile.

My tears instantly changed to happy tears. His smile was so beautiful and reminded me exactly why I wanted to start a family in the first place. For the beautiful little moments. He smiled at me three more times shortly after and it melted my heart more every single time.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had a low day since my son was born. I’ve had three and also several times where I haven’t been able to cope with his crying. I know that many new mums struggle with the responsibility as well, but I also recognized in myself that I was heading down the path of depression. Two weeks after my son was born I went to see my doctor and was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression.

I’m now on daily medication, have started attending a mums and bubs support group and am open with Zombie about how I’m feeling and coping. My mistake today was not going to the support group when I was tired and feeling low, something I won’t be doing again.

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I’m just so grateful to my son for brightening up my day with his first smile and reminding me that it’s not the end of the world when he cries. Sometimes like me, he just needs a cuddle and a smile.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

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13 thoughts on “Struggling With Responsibility

    1. I was so paranoid about getting PPD that I was over analysing every single emotion I had and we decided it was best I went to the doctor and discussed everything to see if I was in fact depressed and to help alleviate the anxiety. I’m glad I did because it has helped me since then. We think little man is just gorgeous too, but then we are quite biased 🙂 🙂

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  1. I am so pleased that you are getting help and support and gosh he us a gorgeous wee boy. Those smiles are gifts and how can you not smile back and cuddle some more. You will be amazed at how quickly he will grow and change and do new things enjoy the moments as much as you can

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    1. Thank you. His wellbeing is so important to me so I was on the lookout for any signs of depression, maybe too much so but it worked out in the end so that I was able to get help and now for the most part am capable of looking after him really well most days. Plus I have the support of my partner who is working part time which means he is around more often which definitely helps. We think our little man is just gorgeous too and are definitely making the most of all the little moments 🙂

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  2. I’m so proud of you for asking for help, I’m also proud that you are so in tune, if a lot harsh on yourself. Your son has a mum who has experience of mental health, tries her very best to be open and honest that motherhood isn’t all happy and rainbows, sometimes just getting out of bed is all you do in a day, but he also has a Mum who appreciates each milestone, however small, has a wonderful relationship with his Dad, built upon honesty and love. You’re leading by example and I couldn’t be more proud of you! You’re a wonderful Mum and a Wonderful lady. Your son is a lucky boy xx

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    1. Thank you. His wellbeing is so important to me so I’m doing everything I can to look after myself as much as possible in order to be able to look after him. Some days are harder than others, but I have Zombie around for most of it which is a huge help as well. Thanks for your support xx

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    1. I think so too! He is smiling very regularly now, especially when he first see us in the morning, it’s simply wonderful.

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  3. I love you so much darling girl! Our family instantly improved the day you arrived in it. It’s even better now that your gorgeous little man has arrived. Thank you for being you. Thank you also for being open and honest and talking about something so important as PND.

    It’s normal. It’s natural. It’s not very much fun. But there’s light at the end of the tunnel and you’re such a wonderful mother and woman. x

    Liked by 1 person

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