I’m not going to lie, I found the first twelve weeks of my pregnancy very difficult. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, nausea and lethargy that despite the pregnancy being planned, I wasn’t prepared for in the slightest and had little control over, which was in stark contrast to how the rest of my year had gone. Throw in the constant state of anxiety I was in and it didn’t make for the best end to a great year, although I was obviously ecstatic to be in the situation. Just call me oxymorons are us.
It reminded me a lot of depression, if depression came with constant nausea but an inability to throw up (for the most part). I had little to no energy and gettig out of bed bordered on impossible some mornings. Emotionally I’d be happy one minute, the next angry over the smallest thing and then if I didn’t jump back to happy in the blink of an eye I’d start crying and be almost inconsolable for no reason. I’ve also never napped so much in my life.
My healthy eating struggled. I was so nauseous that I couldn’t get out of bed until I’d eaten most mornings (Zombie to the rescue with toast) and resorted to simple meals that didn’t require much preparation due to my lack of energy throughout the day. I wanted to eat lots of veggies and good green foods, but when it came to putting them in my mouth I just couldn’t do it. They didn’t make me feel sick, they just didn’t appeal at all.
I hid it surprisingly well. A few people at work noticed I was out of sorts, but when I mentioned to workmates about how much of a bitch I was being they seemed surprised. How I managed to hide it, I have no idea, but I’m glad that I was able to because I didn’t want people knowing in case I had a miscarriage. I’d been through having everyone at a workplace know about me losing a baby before in the past and it wasn’t an experience I wanted to repeat.
Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to tell people. I wanted to shout it out to the world, but I was petrified of losing the baby, even after I found out it wasn’t ectopic. I was still paranoid I would find blood every time I went to the bathroom. I never had any stomach pain but I was constantly on the alert for it.
Any day I didn’t feel nausea I would work myself into a frenzy with the thought it meant that something was wrong, even though I knew that many women don’t experience morning sickness at all. The relief I’d felt after discovering that baby was in the right place at the five week scan only lasted a few hours, before being replaced by the constant fear of miscarriage. I was a nauseous, anxious and distracted mess for weeks. It still amazes me that I got through the busy period at work without any big mistakes.
The days leading up to the 20 week scan only intensified my anxiety. Suddenly I was worried that there would be no heart beat, or that there would be other issues. Like any mother to be, I wanted my baby to be healthy and developing as normally as possibly and there was no end to the terrible scenarios that were running through my head.
The day of the scan was the worst. I was close to tears all morning, all my anxiety reaching it’s peak. I almost didn’t make it to the radiology center either because I started having car issues on the way. I remember sitting in the waiting room with Zombie and telling him that nothing mattered because there wasn’t going to be a heart beat. He tried to calm me down but as usual there was nothing he could say that would help.
Needless to say, the scan went well. As soon as I saw my baby on the screen all my fears seemed pointless. Here was this tiny little human, moving about and growing inside of me and it was wonderful. I felt like I could breathe again for the first time in weeks. I was also amazed at how much the baby moves around at such a young age!
Anxiety is never going to leave me alone throughout my pregnancy. Even after I was into my second trimester and past the high risk period for miscarriage it was weeks before I stopped worrying about it. I was scared of telling people about the baby and what their reactions might be and of course any unusual feelings in my abdomen would set my mind racing. I’m getting better at thinking rationally over these anxious thoughts, but they’re still always there.
It’s really nice to have my pregnancy out in the open and to be able to express my concerns with friends and family and people who have been through it themselves, not just my midwife. I have people checking how I’m going regularly and it’s a good feeling to know that so many people are looking out for me. This baby has a lot of fans already and that’s a pretty cool feeling.
Smiles and Sunshine