I had a feeling that we had been successful in our attempt to get pregnant even before I missed my first period. I don’t know if it was wishful thinking or women’s intuition, but something in me kept telling me that I was pregnant even when it was far too early to tell. I didn’t have any symptoms aside from being a little tired and snappy so there really was no reason to suspect and yet it was all I could think about. So I took a test as soon as it was time enough and sure enough, it was positive.
The range of emotions I felt looking at the test show positive was overwhelming. I was absolutely ecstatic of course, but this was clouded by immense fear. I was instantly terrified that it was another ectopic pregnancy and obviously that was the last thing I wanted.
Zombie was asleep during this freak out of mine and it’s one of the few times that I’ve deliberately woken him up. We’d discussed me taking the test the night before of course, but I wasn’t about to let him sleep when I had news like that especially when I knew how happy he would be.
The first thing I did was make an appointment with my doctor. I had to know it wasn’t ectopic and I had to know fast. I spent the next few hours waiting for my appointment a nervous ball of anxiety. I was at work, but I couldn’t concentrate. All I could think was that I was going to have to go through the horrible experience of losing a baby again, this time a planned one.
As much as she wanted to, my doctor wasn’t able to put my mind at ease. She did all the usual things, blood pressure etc, but until I was able to get a scan there wasn’t a lot anyone could do to calm my nerves. She sent me for blood tests and referred me for an ultrasound. Of course I called to make the scan immediately and they offered to see me that same day, but I was also paranoid about getting in trouble at work, so I opted for the next available time slot of two days later.
Bad idea! While I don’t really remember much about the two days, what I can tell you is that I was in a constant state of panic. Every single time I went to the bathroom I was terrified that I was going to find blood. I started making regular trips even when I didn’t need to go, just to make sure. Of course this didn’t put my mind at ease, but I always felt calmer for a few minutes when I didn’t find blood.
When it came time for the ultrasound I was a mess on the inside but trying to hold it together on the outside. Zombie came with me for moral support which I couldn’t have done without. I don’t know how long we were in the waiting room for, but I felt like a zombie myself the whole time, just staring into space while I waited. I barely heard my name called because I was petrified that I was going to get bad news.
The radiologist was fantastic. She knew why I was there and did her best to put me at ease. She explained every step she was taking and told me that she herself had had a similar experience so she could understand my fear.
The day I had this scan I was approximately five weeks pregnant, so I had to have an internal scan to actually be able to see everything. This is not the most comfortable or dignified experience, but absolutely necessary and I wasn’t about to complain, especially when one of the first things the radiologist confirmed was that not only was I pregnant, but it was in fact in the correct place.
The relief I felt at that moment was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It felt like I had let go of a breath I’d been holding forever and I was able to relax for the first time since I’d taken the test. All the happy emotions I’d expected to feel upon finding out I was pregnant rushed into me and I just wanted to jump up and down, hug Zombie, cry tears of joy and tell the world.
Of course I kept my composure. The radiologist continued the scan told me exactly what she was doing. She explained what the images were and gave me a few lessons on the early days of pregnancy. It was pretty amazing and I was able to concentrate and take it all in after the good news too.
I went back to work after the scan which was hard, because I just wanted to celebrate but after the rough couple of days anxiety had given me I though it was important to keep myself in reality. I didn’t realize at the time that those first few days were just the beginning of an absolute rollercoaster of anxiety and emotions like nothing I’d experienced before, but in that moment, I felt like I’d gotten everything I’d ever wanted and that’s a great feeling.
Smiles and Sunshine