Today hasn’t been a great day. My mood has been all over the place without any obvious reason. I’m sure it’s hormone related, what with being pregnant and all, but it reminds me so much of my low days that it’s scary. It’s been quite a negative day.
I had the house to myself this morning, something that I love, but even that couldn’t fix my mood. When Zombie came home I was crying, but I didn’t know why. He was great to me as always, giving me cuddles and space as needed, but of course he couldn’t lift my mood. That makes me feel worse too, when all someone wants is for me to smile and feel better, even though it’s beyond their power to make it happen.
Some days I feel like the negativity has a mind of it’s own, as if it is a whole new person invading me. It’s stronger than me and I am too weak to resist it on these days. Negativity forces it’s way into my brain, knocking me over on it’s way in, showing me who’s boss. The fall always takes me by surprise, I’m usually powerless to get back up, instead letting it take over for a while before I even know what’s happening.
Negativity is in charge and it makes damn sure that I know it too. It drains me of both physical and mental energy, I have very little will or desire of my own after this. Metaphorically, I lie in a crumbled heap, no matter what I am doing, angry thoughts swirling through my brain, dragging me further and further down. Tears stream down my face, the last piece of me that is truly mine, sadness at what has befallen me. All the fight in me is gone for the time being, Negativity takes this along with my energy.
Negativity is not entirely selfish, it does come bearing gifts. Not the type of gifts anyone would want however. Gifts of anger and hatred, it whispers suggestions to me over and over, it’s louder than any positivity that might be lingering in the background, so I have no choice but to believe it. What’s the point in fighting something that you have been convinced is true?
Negativity is better than Numbness. When Negativity finally decides to move on, it leaves me with one of two scenarios. Hope, or Numbness. Luckily for me, I’m usually left with Hope. After succumbing to Negativity for a while, Hope often pops in to say hello, giving me the smallest amount of energy, but enough for me to slowly be able to stand up to Negativity and show it the door. This takes time, but Hope is even more persistent than Negativity and usually gets her way.
On the rare occasions that Negativity gets bored and leaves me with Numbness, it takes longer for Hope to stop by. There are things I can do to encourage her to visit, such as listening to music, doing some light exercise, or trying to do something creative like writing or painting, but it’s best to do these before Numbness sets in. Numbness doesn’t like to be disturbed from it’s crumpled heap to even get out of bed, let alone reach for the remote to the stereo.
Today, Hope came through for me. I found this fantastic post in my WordPress reader, What To Do If You’re Having A Bad Day that helped me see what I couldn’t in my negative state. Often we know all these things but Negativity clouds our ability to think clearly and remember that we are worth more than a black cloud of a day. I put on some of my favourite music, sat and cried for a while and got the pen and paper out and wrote down what I was feeling. Eventually the tears and the constant need to stop and stare blankly out the window subsided and while I wouldn’t say I am back to my happy self yet, I am definitely not in the same place I was this morning.
In the last year, I have learned that it is best not to question the days that Negativity makes it in. Questioning it, especially at the time does nothing to alleviate the issue, instead it gives Negativity more fuel to wreak even more havoc on an already terrible situation. Berating myself for allowing myself to get to a point where Negativity can knock me down is what Negativity wants, because then I can’t even try to tempt Hope in. I’ve found the best thing is to accept that it’s happening and use what little energy I have to focus on inviting Hope around. I learned this from my depression support group. Something that comes up often during our chats, is that it truly is okay to not be okay and I think that is possibly the most important lesson I’ve learned so far.
Smiles and Sunshine