Berating Myself

I’ve been feeling like I’ve fallen off track a little bit lately. I’ve slowly started sneaking more and more chocolate into my diet for one thing and I’ve been exercising less.

I’m at the point in my elimination diet where I can afford to take a day off. I don’t mean going all out and eating whatever I want, because that could potentially set me back, flare up my eczema and disrupt my sleeping patterns, but what I can do is have a food (just one mind) that is off the menu, provided I go straight back to basics for a few days afterwards and monitor for any negative effects on my body.

I had a housewarming party to attend on Saturday night and I had decided that if I took a week off reintroducing foods then I could have a drink. I did some research and factored in mixers etc and decided that a couple of wines would be alright.

Might pay to point out now that I have never been a wine drinker.

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Over the space of seven hours, I had the equivalent of four glasses of wine. And I had a really really good night. Met some new people, caught up with some people I hadn’t seen in a while enjoyed a bbq and even spent a few hours in the spa pool. By this stage I was feeling quite tiddly so I decided that bed might be in order.

This is where it went downhill. As soon as my head hit the pillow the room started spinning. I spent the next three hours in the bathroom with my head down the toilet. I was a mess. My friends came in to check on me and see if I needed help several times but I was so ashamed that I told them I was fine. I was determined that I was going to sort myself out and get into bed and not be a bother to anyone. Even though I couldn’t even hold myself up.

Obviously it got to a point where I didn’t have a choice and I needed help. I was so upset, I was crying and apologising over and over. I have never been that drunk in my entire life and I was so ashamed of myself. I’m 31, I’m old enough to know better really.

The next morning I didn’t feel too bad, a bit slow and tired, but mostly just embarrassed. Everyone was really good about it, having a wee giggle but reminding me that we’ve all been there. I was in a safe environment when I was drinking, but I just couldn’t stop feeling angry at myself.

This of course invited anxiety in and I’ve spent the last few days feeling like an absolute failure. About how I’ve not exercised much lately, how, while I’ve still been sticking to my diet I’ve been eating way more chocolate than I should and how I’ve been getting lazy and taking backwards steps as a result of this.

The more I’ve brooded over it, the worse I’ve felt. Add to that the migraine I had yesterday and I’ve given myself a pretty low start to the week

I managed to laugh about Saturday when I told the girls at work but inside I was still ashamed. But after four days of berating myself I’ve come to the realisation that it’s not the end of the world. I haven’t undone all my hard work. If I continue on this path, I potentially will, but it’s not too late to get back on track.

Realistically I haven’t been doing too badly. But the fact that I was able to get down on life for four days is a sign that I need to reassess. Starting off with not being mean to myself. It’s hard to be happy when you have someone picking on you all the time!

As far as drinking, I have learned from Saturday. First off, wine probably wasn’t a good choice, especially combined with a spa pool. And although I didn’t drink much compared to what I used to, I have to remember to pace myself. However it will be a while before I drink again.

I think we all have a tendency to be our own worst critics. If we let this consume us, it can be detrimental to our wellbeing and overall health. In my post Three Healthy Habits I suggested remembering that we are human and that we all make mistakes. Today I learned that I need to take my own advice, so I’m going to.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

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2 thoughts on “Berating Myself

  1. I’m so glad that you quit beating up on yourself and regained a bit of optimisim and a bunch of determination. My mom told me long ago, “When you disappoint yourself, give yourself permission to suck your thumb and feel sorry for yourself, or berate yourself, whichever you prefer, for three days, then learn what you can from it and get over it.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. From everything you’ve written about you mother she sounds like a wise and wonderful woman. Thank you for sharing this with me ☺

      Like

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