The Need to Explain Myself

I’m sitting at the bus stop writing this after a very long day. There’s a 28 minute wait for the bus, which is fine because I’m pretty tired and just want to sit and relax for a bit.

Of course my brain is anti relaxing so instead I’m over analyzing something that most people probably don’t worry about. At least I think they don’t.

I have a ridiculous need to explain myself. Any situation and I’ll need to explain it. The reason I’m thinking about it so much right now is because I had to postpone plans, again. My first thought was nervousness because I’m often canceling, sometimes legitimately and other times because I’m not mentally up to it. The next thought was that if I explained myself well enough, it wouldn’t look so bad. It needed to be a really good excuse, because I was worried that they would tell me I wasn’t allowed to postpone.

It was a Facebook event, so I typed out a big long explanation about how my car isn’t going and I need it working by Thursday because of a reason and I can’t do anything until tomorrow but it has to be tomorrow because that’s when people are available and blah blah blah. Even though it was the truth, I felt like it wasn’t because it was so long winded and unnecessary.

So I ‘long story shorted’ it and still felt bad. I felt like my friends would think that I was lying and that I just didn’t want to see them. I felt like I wasn’t going to get another chance. I felt like I was being rude.

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Giving a reason is polite, but going overboard and then obsessing over it is just silly. And the reality is that friends understand that life comes up, shit happens, plans change. It doesn’t mean you like them any less and they aren’t going to like you any less either. A simple ‘something came up’ is plenty and also less insulting than going overboard with the explanation.

After spending an hour obsessing over my explanation and worrying about the repercussions I checked Facebook again. Another friend had had to cancel too and new dates were suggested. Unfortunately they didn’t work for me either and after much stressing I decided to just say, ‘that doesn’t work for me either’.

As soon as I hit send I was paranoid. I was worried that I was going to get interrogated as to why and then I’d have to launch into a wordy explanation about why I couldn’t in the hopes that it was a good enough reason, almost like I was asking permission to not be able to make it.

A few minutes later a notification came and another day had been suggested. All that agonizing for friends who just wanted to find a day that worked for everyone, not to make anyone feel bad for having a life.

That brings me to now, sitting at the bus stop and contemplating how much I stressed over nothing. I know that next time I need to postpone I’m going to have the same inner turmoil, the feelings of guilt and the need to have a ‘good enough’ reason, when the reality is, friends understand and will quite happily make a new date just so that they can spend some time with me.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

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