Letting Go

This week I didn’t reintroduce any new foods as I had won a prize pack on Instagram that included some low carb wraps. The wraps were fine for me to eat, except they weren’t gluten free. The plan was to have the wraps on Monday through Thursday then have a three day break before reintroducing new foods tomorrow. In the past gluten has given me quite nasty stomach pains, so I was prepared for a sore week, but the pains never came! This is a good thing, it means that gluten isn’t entirely out for me. It is a little confusing. My guess is that the quantities of gluten I eat will be a factor. But I’ll leave that for another day.

Due to no reintroduction this week and based on the events of today I’m going to share my thoughts instead of a recipe today.

At the moment my favourite gym is doing a promotion called Fit4Free Sundays. Anyone can go to the gym every Sunday in April and May and use the equipment or attend group fitness classes for free. The best part? I’ve been each Sunday since I found out about the promo and not once have they tried to talk me into joining. How’s that for no strings attached!

I’ve done classes each week. I do 90% of my exercise alone and on my own instruction, which is fine, but I do enjoy the not having to think aspect of group fitness and the way they make it a lot more fun. The first week I did a step class. I’m not the most coordinated person so I must have looked ridiculous but I gave it my all and could barely walk for a week so it must have been a good thing.

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This morning I got up early and biked to the gym for Body Balance. This is by far my favourite class. Its a mixture of Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilate’s and it’s a class that I always feel amazing after. I arrived early and sat waiting for the class to start when the instructor walked in. I instantly recognized her, we went to the same high school, she was a year behind me and we worked in the canteen together at lunch times.

Before a class starts the instructors usually do a walk around and greet regulars and introduce themselves to newbies. When it was my turn she recognized me too and we had a brief catch up before she moved onto the next person.

So the issue is how I felt about this. I suddenly felt like I was the nerdy high school girl that she knew. We got along fine at high school but we weren’t very close and I was a very awkward person back then. I instantly felt like I was still that person and that I had nothing to show in the last 15 years since I’d seen her.

The class started and I put in way more effort than usual, which is saying something because I always try really hard. I wanted her to see me pulling off the advanced versions of as many of the poses as possible. I spent the majority of the class wondering what she thought of me, because in my head, from that minute long conversation we had had, she knew everything about my life for the past 15 years and it wasn’t good.

I can’t explain where these irrational thoughts came from but I do know why. Anxiety and low self esteem. Don’t get me wrong, my self esteem is so much  higher than it used to be, but sometimes I can’t stop myself from testing it.

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Yoga has been good for me, it has taught me to clear my head of the jumbled thoughts and negativity and focus my thoughts to be calm, positive and happy. But unfortunately today I really struggled. What is it about running into old school friends that pushes our insecurities into overdrive and the instant need to prove ourselves?

The reality is, she probably wasn’t giving me a second thought. And if she was, she was probably feeling the same way I was. We were all a bit weird in our own way in high school and I’m sure that a lot of us aren’t where we expected to be. Not just me.

I did spend a lot of the class trying to convince myself that it didn’t matter. Whatever people think of me, whether I know about it or not, shouldn’t affect me at all. It doesn’t make me a bad person, or a good person and it doesn’t change who I am. The only person who controls how it affects me, is me. I think it is easier to let it affect me badly because insecurities come naturally. It shouldn’t be that way, but letting go is something that I have to work really hard at.

After the class we chatted quite a bit more. She told me about how she became a group fitness instructor and how much she loved it which was really interesting because it’s something I’ve recently thought about working towards doing on a casual basis.

After speaking with her again all my insecurities washed away. I had managed to get a handle on the flood of anxious thoughts before the meditation section of the class, but I was still a little nervous, but while we were talking I realized that I was the one making the ‘situation’ a bigger deal than it had to be. I had no reason to torture myself about something that has no impact on me whatsoever.

I’ve been told over and over by people in the past to ‘let it go’ or ‘get over it’ and I always wanted to respond with ‘I don’t know how!’ I still don’t know how, but what I do know is that today I was able to let it go within an hour, when in the past it is something that I would have agonized over for at least a few days.

I would like to get to a point where I can push the insecurities aside as soon as they threaten to make an appearance or ideally for it to not make an appearance at all. Today was a win and I’d like to have more of them in the future. Baby steps.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

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4 thoughts on “Letting Go

  1. I did enjoy reading this post, those triggers do keep activating from time to time. I think most people have these ‘trigger to the past’ events, I find they too put me off balance for a while. You put into words the connection between the insecurities from way in the past that lead to the event. It is normal for a lot of people to have these – ahh. but how do we react? Thanks for the hints and tips you gave. again it was a good read, cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

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