Day Twenty Nine: A Confession

Today brings the twenty eighth post for Love Live Simples 30 Day Blogging Challenge, with A Confession.

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Today’s challenge is surprisingly easy. I am a very open person. I’m very honest in my blog and there’s very little that I don’t share, however there is something I have been doing for about a year that I feel bad about, but am having trouble stopping.

I’ve talked about my mental health in previous posts. Depression and anxiety are a huge part of my life. For the most part I am on top of them, however they will always be with me and even when I’m mentally well there may still be remnants.

This is what is happening at the moment. I am not in any way depressed. I am a tiny bit anxious, mostly about work and life stress, but nothing over the top, nothing I can’t handle.

I am however, very reclusive at the moment and have been for a while.

I have been turning down invitations and bailing on engagements left and right. When people contact me I’m happy to text them, but I’ll often say I’m busy when they suggest a visit, even if I’m not, because I’m just not up to socialising at the moment. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I’m almost scared to.

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I used to be very social but now I hardly ever go out.

There are a lot of people I haven’t seen much of lately and I feel awful for it. They still obviously want to see me too because they keep asking. Sometimes I say yes and see them, sometimes I am genuinely busy, but at least half of the time I just can’t. It’s nothing personal against anyone, it’s just where I am in life at the moment.

I have never officially been diagnosed with social phobia, but I don’t know how else to explain it. I want to see all of these people, which is why I make effort sometimes, but other times it is just too hard. For anyone that I have canceled on recently, I am sorry. I know I told someone recently when I canceled that I wasn’t feeling up to it mentally and I regretted being honest. They were fine with it and understanding, but I felt even worse and more anxious about it. I felt like they were going to write me off. They didn’t which is lucky for me, but I still haven’t caught up with them yet.

I was sick yesterday and had to cancel seeing a friend. I felt bad but I had no other option. Today I also had plans that I had to postpone, due to the flow on effect at work of having a sick day. I felt a little better knowing that on these occasions it was out of my control. Now I just need to work on making more effort when it is in my control.

Smiles and Sunshine
Katie

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