My eyes are fighting to stay open as I write this. I’ve been up since 4 this morning, started work at 5. Add to that the fact that I stayed up late to watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead, it makes for a long day.
It was just two days ago that I said I was going to ease back into work and yet day two back I was starting 3 hours early, of my own choice.
I have to admit I struggled yesterday. Alarm went off at the usual time and I got straight up and went for a run. The City 2 Surf is this coming Sunday so it’s my final chance to get some training in. Zombie gave me a pep talk before I left for work, which was a huge boost for me because I was feeling quite nervous.
My biggest fear was that people were going to judge me for having a panic attack. I chose to share it in my blog and on Facebook, because I’ve found that writing my feelings out really helps me and I share it because I hope it will help someone else feel less alone too. However I didn’t stop to think that by sharing it in such a public way meant that potentially everyone would know and look down on me.
I don’t actually know how many people know. Obviously my boss. I’d had a few messages from some of the girls checking that I was ok, and I did tell someone as I left, but other than that I had no clue who had read about it or seen it on Facebook. I was petrified about being judged for it.
Anxiety. Such a great friend.
I shouldn’t have worried at all. If anyone did know, they didn’t say anything. A couple of people asked me if I was feeling better but then left it at that. For all I know they thought I was sick. The point is, I was worried about nothing. I was treated the same as always.
Anxiety. Gotta love it.
I did struggle a bit yesterday. I had a few hundred emails to sort through and being a Monday it was naturally quite busy. I had a brief panic moment when my phone wouldn’t stop ringing with requests. Everything was urgent at the exact same time and I was getting flustered. I started to panic but then I took a deep breathe and a wave of calm washed over me. I realized that I am only one person. Despite what people say about women and multi tasking, I can only do one thing at a time. So I prioritized and slowly workedy way through it. I made sure I took all my breaks and I didn’t stay late, even though I still had a lot to do.
I had my WRAP course last night. I found it hard to concentrate, but when I explained why the group, each of whom had been there themselves, they told me that was to be expected. I got a lot of suggestions on how to cope and ease back into daily routine.
It was then that I made the conscious decision to start early today. And even though I’m really tired, I’m so glad I did. I would like to be able to say that I’m caught up. I’m not, but having three hours of uninterrupted work time, it was amazing how much I achieved. I’m feeling a lot more relaxed about work now. I still have a lot to do, but I know that it will get done in time.
I’m still taking it easy after work. I’ve canceled a few commitments temporarily and I’m just going to my groups in the meantime. I was supposed to go for my first uphill run with a friend tonight. I bailed because of the rain, but otherwise I would have gone. She showed up anyway to give me The Revive Cafe Cookbook which was so lovely and I can’t wait to use it. I’m very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.
I have some tentative good news today too. I put cheese back into my diet yesterday and as yet I’ve had no negative reactions from it. Touch wood it stays this way.
We got Lightbox the other day so I’m planning on watching some American Horror Story before an early night now. Hope you all have a great evening.
Smiles and Sunshine